Why Does the Thunder Hide the Rain?
The unexamined life is not worth living. – Socrates
Article written by Alex Blackwell. Connect with me on Facebook.
April brings rain to the Midwest – a lot of rain and the possibility of severe weather, too. The cold air that once held a tight grip is now being usurped by the warmer, but more unstable air coming in from the south.
The clash of the two air masses creates an imbalance as well as instability in the atmosphere. At times the deafening noise from the thunder drowns out the sweet sounds of the replenishing rain.
Startled by the booming reverberation of the thunder, our attention is momentarily diverted. After the last echo of thunder rumbles out of ear-shot, we can return to listening to the rain and, if we choose, we can feel it heal the earth after a particularly harsh winter.
It’s like this in our personal lives, too. We can be startled by what we keep down deep inside of us. We become surprised by its noise when it demands our attention. We are shocked by its force and energy. We may forget the goodness that continues to exist in each one of us when we are reminded to deal with the unpleasant and uncomfortable parts of our souls, too.
The Power of Our Unconscious Mind
We believe our actions, for the most part, are a matter of conscious choice. This is not necessarily true. In a few weeks my wife, Mary Beth, will graduate from the School of Social Welfare at Kansas University. She often reminds me that our unconscious, or unaware mind, is constantly working behind the scenes influencing our behavior and actions.
To better understand this Freudian concept, begin paying attention to the nature of your dreams and the slips of your tongue. Once you acknowledge there exists, somewhere deep-down underneath your consciousness, a repository of unspoken desires then you have made an important step to self-discovery.
These unspoken desires create the storms in our life when we ignore their warnings or recklessly attempt to obtain them. Some things are better when they are simply acknowledged, but left alone; some things should never see the light of day.
When these things do come to life the storm gathers force and the thunder reverberates through our bodies leaving us weak and in pain. This is when the thunder hides the rain.
The noise is a signal though – a reminder to deal with what lives hidden in our unconscious, but can be brought to the surface from time-to-time. When this happens, we are given an opportunity for healing and self-forgiveness.
Awakened by the Storm
One night last week one of these thunderstorms rolled through our Kansas town. I woke to a very loud clap of thunder followed by the frightened and concerned voice of my nine-year-old daughter calling to me.
I walked upstairs to Emily’s room to find my daughter with her blanket pulled up close to her face and slightly below her eyes. She told me she was scared. I sat next to her on the edge of the bed and asked if she wanted me to stay for a while. She did.
The storm had just arrived. With the comfort of my presence in her room, my daughter attempted to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. I sat there looking through the window waiting for the next lightening strike in order to brace myself, and my daughter, for the next bout of thunder. I wanted to be prepared.
In that moment, thoughts of my mother surfaced. It felt like a surprise attract. These unexpected feelings caught me off guard and startled me. Until that moment, I had not given myself permission to really acknowledge these emotions. They were living deep in my unconscious mind and far from the light of day.
A Mother’s Choice
For my entire life, my mother chose her addictions over her children. Her cigarettes, alcohol and pills trumped the needs of my sister, brother – and me. The demons that live deep down inside of her could only be quieted through self-medication.
A few weeks ago my father called to report my mother was in the hospital. She was not getting enough oxygen and the doctors couldn’t find the source of the problem. My father went on to say the doctor suggested the children come home; perhaps to say good-bye.
I declined.
I have seen this pattern too often. Mom would get sick, be admitted to the hospital, and the prognosis would look grave. Then she would recover and return home. The pattern repeated itself this time, too.
This time she was discharged from the hospital with a firm and sobering warning from the doctor: “Your health, your life, is squarely in your own hands now. You need to stop smoking and stay on the oxygen at all times. If you don’t, there may be no recovery next time.”
On the way home from the hospital, my mother convinced my father to stop at the store to buy her a carton of cigarettes. A mother’s choice, I suppose.
An Uncomfortable Truth
About thirty minutes after responding to my daughter, I could tell the storm was passing. The thunder was moving off in the distance. The only noise left was the rain bouncing off the window. Emily was asleep and my job, for now, was over.
After returning to my bed, it was difficult finding sleep again. Both anger and a dose of shame had just passed from my subconscious to my conscious mind. This transition was uncomfortable and painful. It was hard accepting I no longer cared if my mother lived or died.
I declined my father’s request to come home because I was numb and indifferent to the possibility of ever seeing my mother alive again.
To be honest, I want to be relieved of the knowledge that as long as my mother is alive I will never be her first choice. That privilege is reserved for a bottle. Remember, some things should never see the light of day.
This unspoken realization has been welling inside of me for some time now. Mothers should love their sons and sons should love their mothers. When this doesn’t happen, nature seems out of balance and unstable – just like the ingredients necessary for a thunderstorm.
Balance, however, can be restored when we make the commitment to break the cycle and choose to forgive the sins of our fathers and mothers so our children will have a better life. There’s some hero in each one of us when we respond to the cries of our children and offer them comfort. There’s some hero in us when our children do not feel they are second choice.
The storm did eventually move on to the east. The thunder no longer kept me from hearing the rain. I listened intently and allowed the rain to cleanse my soul as I drifted back to sleep.
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Comments
28 Responses to “Why Does the Thunder Hide the Rain?”
What do you think?
There’s nothing out of balance in nature Alex. I have known a number of clients pass throughsimilar situations to you and I have yet to meet one that didn’t wish they’d treid to make amends. Not that I’m suggesting you should, of course that is your choice.
I think if maybe you could forgive your mom you’d feel better, because she really doesn’t prefer her addictions to you, it just seems that way.
Sorry of that is too agony auntish, feel free to delete it.
Alex
This is a beautiful, inspiring and authentic post. I absolutely loved it and can relate in my own way. It feels like there has been an energy shift for you into deeper levels of understanding of your growth and I congratulate you for that.
I have gone through a similar shift lately and am truly blown away by all of it. Personal transformation is better than I could have ever imagined.
Keep em coming….
In love, light and abundance x x x
I almost forgot to say, great post!
@Tim: Thanks for your insight. I do offer forgiveness at the end of the post. At this point, I see no need to confront my mother – it would not be productive for either one of us. As always, thanks for reading and adding to the conversations. It’s always important to share all points of view on a topic.
@Lola: I agree, personal transformation is a gift. Thanks for all you do!
Hello Alex,
It is a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing about your own personal struggles. It’s great that you offer forgiveness for it is necessary for the healing of your inner Soul.
Warm Hugs,
Evelyn
Hi Alex,
I truly can understand how you feel about your mother. I agree with you that if parents do not show the love to their children, it will be out of alignment, becos this becomes unnatural and out of balance.
I don’t think you are wrong to feel this way about your mother, and you should not condemn yourself for that.
As much as we want to be forgiving and loving to our parents, it is only very natural that you will feel otherwise due to the unloving and uncaring part from them. I am also not saying that we should harbor any hatred forever towards our uncaring and unloving parents.
The reaction that resulted is as natural as screaming “Ouch !” when someone poke you with a sharp needle. This is a natural reaction and is not to be blamed. The one thing that the person can do to overcome that injury is to get healing on the wounded part, and that takes time and effort.
Blessings
Gamy
Beautiful post Alex
Several years ago I chose step out of relationship with me sister for the second time. Having her in my life causes me too much pain. I do forgive who she is and wish she was different. The blessings that come from our relationship teach me so much about me – patience, compassion, acceptance…….
Several years ago I came to terms with a realization – I don’t have to like her. If she wasn’t family, she would never be someone I would choose as a friend. As a spiritual being and soul, I can love her at that level and dislike her as a human being. That gave me peace and permission.
Who have you become as a result of your relationship with your mother?
Blessings
Lorraine
http://www.powerfull-living.biz
Beautiful post, Alex.
I’m sure your mother would choose not to have addictions, if she really could. Every parent, I think, does the best that they can in that moment. Sometimes, it’s not much. Some parents have their own demons and battles that consumes them. That is terrible and unfortunate.
How wonderful that you are choosing to parent in the way that you would have wanted for yourself!
Blessings,
Andrea
@Lorraine: Regarding your question, “Who have you become as a result of your relationship with your mother?” I would like to say a good parent who is breaking the cycle of abuse for the next generation of my family.
@Andrea, Gamy and Evelyn : Thank you for your encouragement and grace.
Thank you so much for your honesty and trust.
You grabbed my heart with your moving story.
I am also breaking the chain of alcoholic, chain smoking, narcissist parenting.
My young daughter will never be exposed to the underbelly of
pain and anger that my father could show her.
It’s strange to feel relieved that this man chooses his demons over his family.
BUT
Forgiveness is sweet. For me forgiveness means I can love my father and pray for him at a distance …
While keeping my daughter free from the madness.
Thanks again.
As well as everyone else here, I thought this was a beautiful post. I loved how you used the analogy of the thunder and rain.
Sometimes I think we have to let go of viewing our parents as our parents and simply view them as people. You want to look up to your parents, because after all, they are your parents. But sometimes you have to set the example and your parents have to look up to you.
Thank you for sharing this,
Jonathan
This post speaks to me deeply. I have a brother who has exhausted my efforts to assist him and then my efforts to just let him be his own way. Now he simply resents me for making different choices than he does. It is not a productive relationship, to put it mildly.
Contrary to some of the well meaning statements above, people do really choose their addiction, role as victim, or other negative behavior, and will defend that choice mightily. That is not to say that their conscious minds necessarily understand the process, although sometimes they do and still make the choice.
We do have to honor their free will and choice, whatever path it takes them. At some unknown point, all paths ultimately lead back to source, so we do not need to judge them.
But we do have to walk our own path and for me that definitely includes stepping away from manipulations by others. Sometimes to stop playing the game is the only healthy option we have.
Lexi
Dear Alex,
A totally engrossing post. Thank you for sharing your painful soul-searching. It struck a chord with me.
Now matter how much free agency we may have initially, to choose to avoid addictions or not, everyone must accept the consequences of whichever decision is made.
As a hospice nurse, I’ve seen many patients at the end of their lives desperately gasping for air as they struggled for another cigarette. I’ve taken care of patients who had alienated every friend and family member, through drugs, alcohol or physical abuse, and thus were alone in their final hours.
The fact that your father agreed to stop and get cigarettes for your mother, and presumably also alcohol (else where would she get it?) indicates a dysfunctioning dynamic and co-dependency in their relationship.
This has obviously been a painful situation for you for years, but you chose the best path. You chose to break the cycle.
Your children are the lucky ones!
Brennan
Beautiful post, Alex! I love the analogy of the storm.
Consider that the key to breaking the cycle is in accepting your mother exactly as she is. It sounds to me like you’re on this track already.
It doesn’t mean having a relationship with her, or even liking her. What it means is giving up any attachment you have to her being some other way.
It’s the attachment that continues the cycle from generation to generation.
Thanks for a really thoughtful post, and for putting yourself out there.
Erek
@Jonathan: I really like the idea of learning to view our parents as people. This shift in position can bring about more forgiveness and acceptance.
@Lexi: You make a great point about free will – one I agree with.
@Brennan: I agree, the sum of life is totaled up by the choices and decisions we make along the way
Thank you Alex for sharing your feelings and emotions so openly. I’ve also enjoyed reading the other comments already left. It’s an interesting pressure that we place on our parents and our siblings without them really knowing it in a way. Fairly or unfairly we expect them to be people we would choose as close friends. The recognition that this is not always going to be the case can be somewhat of a shock at first but I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with the notion. I suppose this is because it challenges our learned idea of what family is meant to be all about. Again, thank you.
Wonderful story Alex. Very open and honest. I think writing about your feelings regarding your mother is very therapeutic.
Like most people, I too have old scars from relationships that I don’t think I have ever allowed to heal.
How do I know that I have really forgiven someone?
How do I know that I have really forgiven myself?
My husband’s mother passed away on Christmas Day of last year. He didn’t have much of a relationship with her as she abused him savagely the whole time he was growing up, and he suffers from PTSD now as a result. He’s in therapy working through these issues.
Her death was hard for him in some ways as he’s actually relieved she’s dead, and I don’t really blame him. What bothered him most about her death was that now there was no chance of her ever admitting she had done anything wrong to him, even though he knew deep down that she never would do this. His therapist and I both encourage him to forgive her, even though she doesn’t deserve it, because it will free him from the chains of the past, and I think he’s moving towards this.
I want you to know that you’re not alone in your situation with your mother. Sometimes you have to make the choice to limit or end the relationship to protect yourself. I’m glad you’ve broken the cycle with your own children. My husband has too.
Good post!
Alex,
I salute you for having the courage to write this post. I know it is hard to share personal stories like this.
For someone who can’t even take care of herself and actively hurting her own body and soul, it would be almost impossible to care for someone else, even her children. This doesn’t validate her actions, nor invalidate her children’s sorrows — it is just so. We just don’t expect suicidal person to be loving. . .
Great post and it was also very valuable to read all the comments above.
I think it is important to recognize the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness as an action of letting go, that you take on a spiritual plane in the absence of the other person is well and good, that sounds healthy.
But reconciliation is another thing. One cannot truly reconcile with a person who continues to hurt you or be oblivious to you, and to try to do so only invites continued abuse and frustration.
Why does anyone think they have to stay in an abusive relationship just because the abuser is “family”? At some point, you have to recognize that things will not change and just walk away, for your own health and well-being.
I read somewhere that friends are the relatives you make for yourself. But it is also true that sometimes you have to let go of a friendship that is no longer working. Why cannot people seem to do that with relatives?
This is a rare sort of post which comes from a personal place yet has the power to touch. Thank you for sharing, and the analogy about thunder hiding the rain is beautiful.
Terry
One of the most beautiful and compelling articles I have read on any blog for quite some time. Thank you Alex for sharing this.
Wonderful article, Alex.
And congratulations to Mary Beth,
blessings and wodner,
CG
I have enjoyed reading the different perspectives of this blog that touched so many of you in many different ways. It is appearent that many of us have forgiveness issues with our parents (including myself). What I have learned through my own experiences and those of working with incest survivors in my MSW training is the parents who offend are not really monsters although their action may reflect that they are. What they are is a wounded child living and acting in an adult body. They didn’t come into this world like that and their wounds they acquired along they way is what helped them evolve into their current state of woundedness. What separates those of us who were wounded who chose not to wound others is healing our own wounds. This might be done on our own or through the help of others. A crucial part of this healing process is learning to forgive but not necessarily absolve those who wounded us, including parents.
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Alex – thank you for sharing such a deeply, personal and courageous story. We wish on Mother’s Day that we all could have the ideal mothers that loved and nurtured us as children. But, it doesn’t happen like that more times than we’d like to admit.
My mother didn’t have addictions but nonetheless she had her obsession of jealously which she aimed at my father making him pay (for who knows what) for the rest of his life. We all ended up paying which seemed like such a waste. I tried without success to fix and reconcile things for them to no avail. Mom died in 1985 and Dad died in 1999. It wasn’t until shortly after Mom died that I had a vivid dream that showed me she was being cut free from all that had bound her in her life. It also set me free and allowed me to forgive and let it go.
I hope someday you will be able to find that place where you can let go what your mother has done and set her free as well as yourself.
You’re strong and courageous in how you’ve stopped the pattern of addiction and not allowed it to continue in your life and relationships. I honor you for that.
Blessings,
Last week, I allowed myself to be free of a father that left us when I was in 6th grade. I later found him and lived with him for the last 13 yrs hoping he’d be a dad. I couldn’t understand how he doesn’t acknowledge that he has 4 kids and it has been and still eating inside me. The only happiness I can find is within myself and stop asking why and what I can do about the situation. So I moved out and he moved out….sadly, I don’t miss him.