What Would You Say Today?
What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
If today happened to be your wedding day all over again or the day you made a life-long commitment to your partner, what would you say? With knowing what you know today, would you change your vows?
This isn’t about having regrets for what you should have said, it’s about taking advantage of the opportunity you have each and every day to reconnect and to restate your commitment and love. We don’t need a formal ceremony to do this; we can do this over our coffee and corn flakes, too.
Love in the beginning can be very idealistic and naive. It is full of hope and promise, but with very little information that would tell us how our partner needs to be loved. The key to a lasting relationship is to accept and support your partner’s needs. Your commitment to those needs makes all of the difference in your partner’s happiness – and your own.
Experience gives us a more precise lens to see the world. Experience in our intimate relationships tells us where the landmines are located and where the joy and pleasure can be found. Use this experience as an ally to better understand and appreciate your partner. Use this experience to give your partner more of what they asking for and more of what they need.
So, we come back to the question “what would you say today?”
- Would you tell your spouse the love you give is unconditional and will never have to be negotiated?
- Would you tell your partner the garbage and wounds he or she carried into the relationship will never be used as a weapon?
- Would you tell her that she is entitled, and encouraged, to have a life independent of your own?
- Would you tell him that during the times when you were trying to sabotage the relationship you were really just trying to prove, once and for all, you were not worthy because that’s what you were once told? Would you tell him you were really just asking for help?
- Would you tell your lover you are now ready to loosen the grasp on a damaged heart you have griped tightly for too long? Would you tell her it’s okay to peel your fingers back, one by one, so your heart can be shared?
A matter of trust
Sometimes a well-timed comment here and a compliment there can be just the positive energy our partners need to be filled-up with love and encouragement. Sometimes what we say has significant power. We must chose to use that power carefully and tenderly – it’s a matter of trust.
In some ways, these comments can carry more weight than the vows we memorized and recited to a person who we were still getting to know. Instead, the passing comments uttered in the context of everyday life (yes, even over a bowl of corn flakes) are often times experienced by the other as being more loving and much more credible because they are coming from someone who now better understands what the other one needs.
Try to find an opportunity today. You don’t have to look far to find one, you just have to make the effort to look. When you find one, what would you say?
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Comments
21 Responses to “What Would You Say Today?”
What do you think?
Alex, GREAT question. And a powerful one to ponder. I would have to say that as painful as some of the years were in my marriage, my relationship has been nourished and molded by some of the challenges we faced. I would not change the hardships, but WOULD change some of the attitudes and baggage I carried into it. I have used them has a weapon and have regretted it every day since. I must say, though, I am perhaps the luckiest man on the planet! Bless you, my friend.
Alex,
I feel closer to my husband than I ever have. I am trying to find an opportunity everyday to connect – even if only briefly – and express my love. Thanks for the encouragement. You are so right that these little expressions of tenderness are vital if we want our relationship to continue to flourish.
Alex,
It’s a great idea to have more realistic goals with our spouses. Every relationship that I ever had has taught me this.
Bryan, we can find lessons in the good and in the bad when we open or hearts and accept who we are. I can tell your heart is wide open now.
It’s the daily commitment to our love Sandra, not any one thing that makes it grow.
Justin, yes, it’s a matter of knowing what is real and then loving that.
I feel so blessed that I found this website and YOU. Thankyou and your lovely wife because i am certain she has a lot to do with what you write!
She certainly does Carmelina!
I love this suggestion. Sometimes I get wrapped-up in talking about things/life/whatever with my husband, and forget to simply tell him how much I love him just the way he is. There are so many little opportunities to say something nice. Thank you for the nudge :~)
No doubt your husband loves to hear those simple words Sue.
Alex, loved this and the points and the ‘what would you say’ questions. As always, your words are a true service to society man.
Marcus
I would tell him, that his love is making me discovered what I have long covered to protect me from fear or doubt. Through that love we are sharing day to day, we are both discovering our true self. We are giving us the opportunity to transform in a beautiful way, to better love and understand each other. We don’t miss an opportunity to say “I love you”..even if sometimes when we get into uncomfortable or stressful situations, we make sure to finish the note with love.
Indeed Alex, choosing the right words to send message of love, do make a huge difference. I will say simple magical difference (like over the coffee!!! I love it…).
Bless you both for reminding and inspiring us…
Just thank you
Marcus, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for your amazing support!
Beautiful Danielle; thanks for sharing your words with us.
Hi Alex,
I would and will and do say Thank You!
Hi Alex,
My 30th wedding anniversary was 3 weeks ago….I simply said ‘thank you’…..then I wondered,how the hell did I get this far? P.S my eldest daughters 26th birthday today.
Thanks again & be good to yourself
David
Hi Alex,
This is a wonderful question my friend. I believe I’m a lucky person that I have a wonderful relationship with the woman in my life. I always try to show her unconditional love and accept her for who she is and I get the same from her. I believe what makes my relationship with her great is the reason I apply what I read and learn into my life. This is the main difference between someone who applies what he learns and someone just reads and doesn’t apply. What would I tell her? I would keep telling her that she is a great gift from God
Thanks for sharing my friend
I would like to have more “real” conversation instead of just merely going through the motions of everyday life. Love must be nurtured and not to be taken for granted for it to grow strong. You’ve given so many useful tips here. Thank you for always sharing.
Hi Alex,
For me, I’m not sure about the wisdom of delving into and interrogating issues of the past. I think that regret (regardless of how well intentioned the process is) would be a by-product in many cases. I seems to me a more empowering question is where do we go from here. I wary of any exercise that may create negative instead of positive feelings.
Rileu
Good for you Tess.
David, life really does happen in the blink of an eye. It will be 26 years for Mary Beth and me in a few weeks. So, as you point out, living with gratitude is a good way to spend this precious time.
I’m sure she loves hearing that she’s a gift Dia.
InspiringAlways, I agree. Having “real” conversations helps to keep our relationships authentic and honest.
Thanks for sharing your point of view Riley. I agree with you. This isn’t about about having regret, it’s about taking advantage of the opportunity you have each and every day to reconnect and to restate your commitment and love.
When I saw the title of your post , I love you were the words I heard and saw without reading your post.
I would still say I love you and thank you for both your love and your friendship.
You can never go wrong with “I love you” Suzie.
Hello Alex,
What a wonderful article! And, really, that is a question we should ponder then answer regularly.
I’m fortunate to be married to my best friend … we started out as a healthy, active, loved-to-dance-around-the-house couple then, in 2002, our life was turned upside down when I was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
One thing we have learned is how destructive a serious/terminal illness can be to a relationship. It is vital to take advantage of each day to cultivate a solid relationship, one based on mutual love, trust and respect – because you just never know when you may have to face a traumatic life change.
I truly enjoyed your article!
Peppy
Everyday is a gift Peppy! Best wishes with your challenge – I hope you find healing.