The Journey to Becoming Ourselves
The journey is the reward. – Chinese Proverb
Life is a remarkable journey that is travelled no matter if we like the road conditions, or not.
And even though our journeys may take separate paths, I think most of us want the some things in life – we want to be loved, to be happy and to make the most of the time we have.
By sharing our journeys, we provide inspiration, hope and a sense of connectedness that goes beyond how we might otherwise see each other. Simply put, the journey to becoming ourselves is a little less intimidating, and a little more empowering when it is shared. There’s strength in numbers and the collective wisdom of many is more enlightening than the singular wisdom of one.
So, here’s my journey. I share it minus the millions of details that I could have added, but as a properly-sized window into my life so you won’t feel alone as you continue on your own special, beautiful journey – road hazards and all.
The journey to becoming me
One advantage of approaching middle age is I’m learning how to trace my life back to the times, places and events that shaped me into the person I once was; and to the person I am becoming today. While painful, this journey is also incredibly freeing.
When I look back now, with time’s healing grace, I see a young child who never really had a chance.
My family lived in an old log house where the curtains would close at 3 o’clock every afternoon so my mother could attend to her daily ritual. The only thing that wasn’t certain was if her glass would be full of bourbon or rum. My father would bring home both, just in case.
At the age of six I developed a stuttering problem so pronounced that my school brought in a speech therapist to work with me. I saw the therapist for the next eight years. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I also had to start wearing eyeglasses. So there I was – a first grader who couldn’t see without the help of Coke-bottle sized eyeglasses and who couldn’t finish a sentence.
Both circumstances made me a target for the playground bullies. Their words wounded my soul. I can still hear their taunting when someone is being critical of my work. And with agonizing clarity, I can still remember what it felt like to be on the edge of the playground, alone, and left out.
A blessing and a curse
But in a stroke of bittersweet irony, the pain I endured as a child has proven to be a both blessing and a curse.
The blessing manifested itself by a passion to make something of my life – to improve myself. My frustration with my situation at home and at school made me determined, if not obsessed; to make certain my life mattered.
I wore my past as a badge of protest and, perhaps, entitlement. My past clouded me and it controlled me.
Later in life, my past did eventually curse me.
I was resolved to do things that separated me from my past. I worked full-time in college while taking a full course load. I was afraid if I didn’t push myself then I couldn’t escape the world I despised.
The price for this overachievement was high. It was paid in few meaningful friendships, no spiritual connection, and the failure to notice or appreciate the simple things in life.
The price of success
After college, marriage soon followed. I was teaching high school English when Mary Beth and I had our first child. After our son was born, it become clear that the financial goals I had set for myself in college were not achievable on a teacher’s salary, so I quit my job and accepted a sales position with a publishing company.
Early in my sales career the only thing that mattered to me was my personal success. The scars of my past commanded me to keep a singular focus on what I thought was important so old wounds wouldn’t open and ooze doubt and shame onto my fragile self-confidence.
Rather than focusing in meaningful relationships, I sought solace in my work.
A turning point
This was the sum of life until the summer of 2003 when I turned 41. Separated from my wife, emotionally distanced from my children and alienated from God, my life was in emotional and spiritual decay.
My self-confidence had retreated all the way back to the time when I was a six-year-old boy teased for being a “four-eyes” who couldn’t finish a sentence.
Then a true miracle happened. In an effort to save my family, my marriage, and myself, I attended my first Breakthrough seminar. These seminars focused on a very simple truth: You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge.
Before attending the seminar, I didn’t realize it wasn’t the teasing I received as a child or the ineffectiveness of my parents that contributed to my disconnectedness. I learned it was my responsibility to become a whole person, to become a whole man with a whole heart, regardless of the circumstances I encountered along the way.
I learned if my heart was going to connect with the hearts of others, I had to be the one to connect it. I learned it was up to me to create the life I want.
Now, almost nine years later I can say I have found my heart; I have rescued the little boy who was hiding behind the drawn curtains and I’m learning that on the days when I’m not feeling confident, at least I have the awareness to ask, “What would a confident man do?”
While the road conditions have improved, the journey to becoming me is still underway. I will continue to share it on this blog as a way to connect with others who want to walk me.
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Comments
43 Responses to “The Journey to Becoming Ourselves”
What do you think?
Hi Alex,
This was a touching post. I could feel every word you talked about. “I learned it was up to me to create the life I want.” Exactly my friend, we have to make a solid decision if we want to take charge of our lives. If we change ourselves internally, then we can begin to see the change in our outer world. Thanks for sharing my friend.
I’ve had a similar realization recently and I can very well relate when you said,”You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge.” It’s hard to acknowledge something especially when it hurts. But unless we do, the wound will remain untreated, unhealed. Having the courage to acknowledge the areas of our lives that need healing is one big step already towards being whole. Carry on, Alex. God bless!
Alex,
Yours is an amazing story, Alex. It means so much to me that you shared it here. I’m so happy you had the breakthrough, but I know you had to go through a lot of suffering to get there…and I’m sorry for that. This is really crucial: “You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge.” But I think for many of us shame makes it difficult to acknowledge our stumbling blocks. It’s people like you that open the door for others. Thank you!
Amen Dia, change does begin on the inside. And when we do change, we are better able to create the dreams and thoughts that live inside us.
Joyce, Good for you! I hope your recent realization brings more joy, peace and happiness to your life.
And thank you Sandra for the doors you open for us. By sharing what lives on the other side of these doors, we are helping others see they are not damaged or odd; they are empowered to live whatever life they want. Thanks for your encouragement!
Great post, thank you for sharing. I’m praying i would reach that turning point before it is too late
Alex- This was an amazing post…and I always love coming here. Your openness and allowing people in has always astounded me, but touched MY heart at the same time. I had a toxic family too-and after a breakdown I decided that I had to leave them and everything else behind. It’s taken me a little over 6 years now to get a true sense of self- and I’m still a work in progress. But once you acknowledge that pain- you can start to heal. Getting that self worth is tough sometimes, but my mornings are so much more beautiful than they were then. Keep reaching out like you do Alex- you are a truly beautiful soul and even if they don’t always say it- I’m sure that your words mean the world to them too.
God Bless You!
Alex,
Thanks for sharing your story. You’re amazing. I’m happy we’re friends.
Nikky, we will praying with you. Please know that awareness is the first step – it seems like you already have this.
It’s good to hear you are beginning to heal Brenda. Thank you very much for your inspiring words – they mean so much to me.
Me too Tess, me too!
Thanks for this sharing. I must agree with this ” I learned it was my responsibility to become a whole person, to become a whole man with a whole heart, regardless of the circumstances I encountered along the way.” We are the only one who can help ourselves when we decide to move out of that “shell” and finally see ourselves made whole again. Life is truly one miracle waiting to happen, just keep believing and have that faith that everything shall happen when we acknowledge what is really going on in our lives.
I wish you more inspirations so you can write more and inspire others…
This line, “You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge,” is one of the absolute truths that truly set us free. Thank you for your soul-connecting candor, Alex. Along with so many others, I am blessed by the story of your journey.
Audrey, life is indeed a miracle. It is made more special when we can move past the ugliness we think we see in ourselves and begin to see ourselves as simply beautiful – which is exactly how we are made.
This line had changed my life for the better Beth! Thanks for your continued support.
Alex, I can relate VERY much to your life story here. First in 1999, after a spiritual retreat and meeting my husband; and then back in September when the good example of my wonderful daughter-in-law inspired me to start my own blog and network with other writers and creative folks, have I really taken the bit in my teeth to learn what confident people do. Your blog here has been a great help to me in this regard. I am so pleased for you about the track your life seems to be on now. Hooray!
Alex, thanks for sharing another positive article on your journey. Sometimes life’s journey seems so overwhelming and impossible. This morning it appeared impossible. I so needed to read and accept your wisdom and strength this morning. Experiencing the breakthrough or part of one and then actually hanging on to it, seems to be a long process of growth in itself, one that I hope to conquer and believe sometime soon. Thank you for giving me hope…again.
Dear Alex,
This was unbelievable! I can so relate too. When I was younger I believed if I didn’t acknowledge my flaws and problems they didn’t exist. Boy was I wrong! They were all still there lurking beneath the surface. I think we are all “works in progress.” Becoming aware of the pain and scars that drive are behavior and reactions is ongoing.
Thank you for touching my heart dear friend!
Hi Alex,
What a heartfelt post. It was wonderful to hear your story as now I feel as if I know so much more about you, but I’m sure it felt painful at times to write it.
Children of alcoholics often don’t recognize the damage their parent’s drinking has done to them. They learn at an early age to pretend that everything is just fine, when they often come home to a dysfunctional situation. This pretending carries on into adulthood, where, as you mentioned, it’s easier to pretend the problems are not there than to address them.
I just read a recent statistic that half of all Americans adults are touched in some way by alcoholism or drug addiction, so you are certainly are not alone. Thank you for sharing your journey. Take care.
Alex, this was so personal and it touched my heart in such a way. I have had some similar feelings and I truly needed to be reminded that I can grow and change. Thank you for sharing something from such a special place in your heart
Really amazing and thoughtful post Alex. What a great way to drive the point home that it really is all about the journey. Thanks for sharing that thought and your story.
Hi Alex anf thanks for sharing.
This is very true, “You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge,” When we run into those road blocks we have to examine ourselves and see what part we and our past play in them.
I have always said, when you forgive what you think your parents done to you, you have grown up and become the adult you wish to be.\
All parents make mistakes, some more than others, but it comes to acknowledging there mistakes, so we don’t repeat them with our own children and heal from them.
We all do have our scares and what is important is not to let them stop us from seeing the real beauty in who we are.
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Blessing to you,
Debbie
Hi Alex,
Thank you for sharing. Acknowledgment is powerful yet often so difficult, however to solve any “problems”, acknowledgement must be present to commence the path of recovery. I’ve probably got some acknowledging’ to do myself….I will be delighted to continue to walk with you.
be good to yourself
David
Rose, I’m grateful for your daughter-in-law’s encouragement so I can share this journey with you. Thank you for walking with me.
It’s baby steps, right Becky? There’s incredible value in taking just a few steps forward every day. We’re walking with you.
Angela, we are works in progress. But I wouldn’t have it any other way because it keeps from thinking I have to get it right all the time.
It was the pretending Cathy, that hurt the most. I saw what the reality was, but had to pretend it was something else – what an exhausting cycle. Thank you for your insight and encouragement.
Raquel, remember, we never have to walk alone. Cling to my shoulder as much as you need, because there will be times when I’ll need your shoulder just as much.
Sibyl, it means a lot to me that you visited my blog, read it and then left your inspiring comment – so glad you are here.
I agree with you Debbie. Forgiving may not get my parents off the hook, but it does allow me to leave it where it once lived.
David, Yep, I got some acknowledging to do everyday,too. I’m glad you are here to be a part of we are discovering about ourselves.
Dear Alex, I have tears in my eyes as I reach the end of your post. What we go through our childhood molds us so much as adults – some are lucky and some aren’t so lucky to sail through their trauma. You’ve rightly said that unless we acknowledge, we cannot heal. I am so happy you’re healing and sharing your story, making a huge difference for people who find it hard to face the past.
Hugs to you. Happy we connected. V.
Alex, what an in-depth look into your soul, the story of who you were and who you became. I think it’s so interesting that you turned out to help so many people. You took your circumstances and turned them inside out.
Inspiring, my friend. And an incredible story of humanity.
Vidya, thanks so much for your heartfelt compassion. Comments like yours give me the energy to keep writing and sharing.
Bryan, thanks brother – glad to be on the journey with you.
Wow, a beautifully vulnerable and authentic piece. Absolutely helps us all to know we’re not alone in our own individual past sufferings of insecurity, not getting the kind of love and acceptance we craved for, and whatever other specific hurts we all carry with us throughout our lives. They’re our weights that pull us down. It’s up to us to try and free ourselves of them; to release them so we can attain freedom to grow ourselves in a more positive and healthy manner and create good lives. I believe it’s a life-long journey. I feel it’s inherent in the human condition to have some brokeness,sadness and even rage and it’s up to us how we manage it; so our current lives aren’t entrenched and lived out vis-a-vie these past hurts and damaging factors, which we all have to some degree.
Thank you for yet another poignant and touching piece. You are a Beautiful writer.
Harriet, thank you for your kind words. I agree that as humans the tough times are just part of the deal, but how we deal and re-frame these times will either help us create the life we want, or keep us from it.
Alex,
I can completely relate to your story – issues from childhood leading to need to overachieve, distance from spouse and children…
Like you, it took hitting an all-time low to be open to ways of changing my life and truly taking responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions.
We create our lives one conscious choice at a time – like you asking yourself: What would a confident man do?
Bravo on your growth and thank you so much for sharing your story. As you’ve said, the more we all share, the more we all grow and learn. Thank you!
Paige, it is one choice at at time. Good and bad choices, they define us all. I appreciate your sincere encouragement Paige!
[...] I write first thing in the morning – no matter how many emails I have. This is always what I wanted to do in the first place but, I became to rigid. Having this list of things to do: “Go through [...]
So touching and inspiring Alex. I believe our self concept is ‘writ large’ all around us in our daily experiences. And having the courage to not only look at it directly but then to choose something else is a truly wonderful way to live.
It’s a great system, our life as a mirror to reveal us to us, and with this awareness, we get to choose. It might sound simple, but by golly it’s not easy.
Many, many heartfelt congratulations.
wow Alex this deeply touched me because it shows people that the journey to becoming your true self takes time and doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s a wonderful process with obstacles along the way. I’m 21 currently and dont really understand where I fit in life but I’m starting to understand that I do have a purpose and a place and just being alive is a blessing. At times I feel like I lost that loving connection with my self but just like you said it is ones own responsibility to become a whole person only you have that power to change your self. Great post!
This is simply beautiful Alex and so inspiring. The simplicity and honesty is touching. It seems tough to touch one’s own heart but a worthy road it is. Thank u for the inspiration
You’re right elle, it’s not easy; but it is worthwhile. Thanks for sharing!
ihan, you do have your whole life in front of you – be sure to enjoy every step of your journey; it happens fast.
And thank you for inspiring me Uzma to keep writing and sharing my journey!
[...] for having had the experience. I have met some amazing people because of it, and I hope through my journey, I have become a better [...]
Thanks for sharing your inspirational story Alex -for me it was a bit of a walk down memory lane. I also grew up with the closed curtains and locked doors, bottles of vodka hidden in various places around the house and bullying at school.
Marquita, Not so many degrees of separation between us then. So glad you dropped by to lend your inspiration.
Thanks Alex for an inspiring and insightful read.
I realise that life isn’t about the journey of finding myself or making changes, but accepting myself as I am. I am already myself -I may not have always recognised or accepted this. Yes, sometimes the past can hold clues, but nothing can now change the past nor what the future might hold.
We are unique because of our experiences. This is what we have to offer and I believe you offer in your blogs. It can be so difficult to accept when we judge ourselves and feel it doesn’t match who we think we should be. Amazingly, I realise others just accept me, as I also accept others. Wow! It’s time to forgive and accept myself, be kind to me. It may mean making changes -if I choose, as I live consciously. But I do not have to live to anyone else’s expectations or judgements.
The journey of becoming me is constantly unfolding whether I realise it or not -it just is; and it’s inevitable I’m going to be there for it for a while, and choose to relish every moment.
This is the greatest gift I can offer myself, family and friends.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart Pete. You are right, forgiveness is such a remarkable gift because it gives us the power to move on with out lives. Best wishes as your continue along your wonderful journey.
Felt like you were writing my story, God bless you for sharing.
Jay, I hear you Brother. Take good care.
alex just been checking out all you have to offer as i just found you last week wow theres so much but all good.iam having a difficult time in my life right now trying to get on that main road again need all advice and help for sure.if you could i think it will help if you can explain what does it mean when you say you can not change or heal what you do not acknowledge?thank you for all you have to offer take care
Lisa, to me it means we have to accept our reality for what it is before we can change it. When we pretend things are “okay” they never will be. But when we say, “this isn’t working” then we are opening ourselves up to the possibility of change.
thank you for that alex you are good take care.
Lisa, and I thank you for your encouragement!