No One is Perfect – So Be Kind to Yourself
The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. – Alden Nowlan
Article written by BridgeMaker contributor Ali Hale. Please visit her at Aliventures.com.
Since you’re reading The BridgeMaker, I suspect you’re a thoughtful and reflective individual wanting to become the person that you know, deep down, you can be. Perhaps this is a realisation that’s arisen gradually – or perhaps a specific experience has encouraged you to look at your life for a different perspective.
Over the past few years, I’ve become more and more interested in personal development and growth. I’ve always had an interest in trying to “do my best” and to become a better, more patient, more loving, more joyful person.
There are times, though, when I feel like I’m going nowhere: when I find myself stressed and feeling as though I lack control in my own life. I have a huge amount of freedom over my schedule – but I still sometimes end up crowding out the things that are important: reflective time; my boyfriend; my fiction writing. It’s all too easy to become self-critical: after all, I read inspirational and practical material each day, and I even write for a number of blogs on personal development and self-improvement topics.
So why don’t I have it all sorted? Why don’t I feel unending joy when I’m working towards my goals? Am I just wasting my time trying to nurture that little seed of the person I believe I can become?
No-One Has a Perfect Life
Depending on which blogs and magazines you read, which television programs you watch and who you follow on Twitter, you might think that all the people you look up to have perfect lives. Perhaps they never seem to get irritable or stressed. Perhaps they run a successful business. Perhaps they’ve written several published novels.
It’s taken me a bit of time to realise that no-one has a perfect life – it’s just that few of them admit it! I was comforted to read words from three brave souls who don’t try to pretend that they always have everything sorted.
Tim admitted that life coaches aren’t perfect and don’t always have it all together:
[The life coaching industry] is full of people with flaws, people that make mistakes, have imperfect lives and worst of all, have multiple-personalities. In short, it’s populated by a bunch of nut jobs, and yes, I’m one of them. – Tim Brownson, Is Life Coaching a Scam, The Discomfort Zone
Naomi wrote about a really crappy day:
Now, I well and truly lose it. The weeks of virtually non-existent internet access, the disappointed customers, no phone, no clean clothes, missing my mother horribly, it all comes crashing in. I am standing on Yonge Street, crying my eyes out. My shoes are soaked from the rain and the dirt that is perpetually coating my skin is mixing with sweat and raindrops and rendering my eyes useless. I am crying so hard I can barely breathe. – Naomi Dunford, This Just In: Entrepreneurship Makes You Impotent, IttyBiz
And even Charlie has an unproductive morning once in a while:
I wasted three hours coming up with solutions to problems I really didn’t have. Three hours, when I look at what my creative time is worth, converts to at least $300. Furthermore, it’s not like it was just thirty minutes – there are a lot of things I could have completed in that three hours: a pillar post; a guest post; a few sections of the thing I’m working on; a new design; one of the books I’m most of the way through; that FAQ about my coaching service that I’ve been meaning to write. – Charlie Gilkey, One of Those Days (Episode One), Productive Flourishing
How to be Imperfect and Happy
I’m learning to accept that my life is a journey and that as I learn and grow, I’ll find bigger and deeper possibilities. There’s never going to be a time when I’ll be able to say “Right, that’s it, I’m perfect now. There’s no more work to do.” Frankly, if I did get to that point, I think the rest of my life would be pretty dull!
So I’m finding ways to be happy about my imperfections, to accept that my life is a work-in-progress. Things that have helped me, and which might help you, are:
Accepting What I Have Accomplished
If I look back over several years, I can see that I’ve come a long way in many areas of my life. I eat much more healthily (and am a healthy weight as a result); I exercise regularly; I’m a lot more confident; I’m much more self-disciplined.
What have you accomplished over the past three years? How have you changed and grown?
See Yourself as a Friend
This one might need a bit of explaining. Ten years ago, as a young teen, I came across a few words in a how-to-write book that helped me turn around a lot of negative self-talk. In response to the common writer’s fear that “I’m not good enough”, Watts wrote:
If there was somebody else with exactly the same qualities as yourself, would you dismiss them thus? If not, what gives you the right to judge yourself by a different criteria? – Nigel Watts, Teach Yourself: Writing a Novel and Getting Published
Since then, when I find myself thinking “I’m not good enough”, I try to think objectively about it. If I had a friend with the same ambitions and qualities, I’d be encouraging them all the way … and there’s no reason I should treat myself any differently.
Give It Time
I’m the sort of person who likes things to happen quickly. “Patience” is definitely something I need to work on! But I’m learning that the most important things in life take time – and often multiple efforts. It takes time to re-establish a neglected relationship. It takes time to fully adopt new habits.
Give yourself time, and give yourself the kindness and support that you’d offer to a friend. Recognise that you are making progress, and that you are simply human, loved and unique, like us all, in your imperfections.
Ali Hale is a freelance writer from London in the UK, and is currently taking an MA in creative writing. She writes for a number of sites, including her own Aliventures blog which focuses on getting more from life.
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Comments
9 Responses to “No One is Perfect – So Be Kind to Yourself”
What do you think?
Well said, Ali! I’ve been a staunch believer in loving yourself as you are (rather than as who you’d like to be) as a prerequisite of loving others ever since I took a Myers’ Briggs personality test twenty years ago.
It doesn’t stop me having ‘down times’ as I have had recently, simply because I have so many circumstances against me at present that I’ve become tired and dis-spirited. But it does give me an anchor. This is the Me God has made and, providing I don’t work against him, he is the one who’s committed to seeing the work he’s begun in me through to completion.
I recently read an article (several, actually) debunking the power of positive thinking. It can actually have a detrimental effect on people to be constantly ’striving’ by repeating a mantra. So I’m all for being happy in my own skin – and you in yours and I posted an article to that effect which includes a psychometric personality test http://www.melmenzies.co.uk/personality_test/
Knowing and accepting the Real You is one of the most liberating experiences of my life. Hope it will be for others, too.
Great post, Ali – thanks for the link.
I always find it a bit interesting that people think of me as a really productive person because I don’t view myself that way. So your statement “even Charlie has an unproductive morning once in a while” understates the reality of it – I have a lot of unproductive moments. Which really shows the need for posts and conversations like this.
I would say “keep up the great work,” but you’ve already shown that you will. So, yeah, I’ll see you on the interwebs!
perfection.. there is no such thing
=)
Well from one nut job to another, nice post!
I know this is outrageous and shows me up as the charlatan I am, but I got drunk last weekend. We had friends round and it all got a bit, or rather a lot, boozy.
Are the life coaching Police coming to get me?
Like most people, I have always been keenly aware of my own (perceived) shortcomings. At the worst of these times, all I can see is how far I have yet to go. It is then that the rule of patience is really put to the test, often just breaking down to a simple reassurance that this too, shall pass (in reference to the mood that has gripped me). And if that is the best that we can do at that moment, that too is allowed.
Thanks for a great article, Ali.
Cheers, Marc
We are not only imperfect but “unique”, and that’s the point.Our uniqueness is what I love most.Being imperfect give us the possibility of going on working on ourselves.Ups and downs in our perception of our selves show us that greys are possible.Love the post
Thanks for the comments, all!
@Mel – Yes, I’ve been reading some backlashes against positive thinking recently. I agree it can make us feel worse (“Why can’t I just believe my affirmations, darn it” type stuff…)
@Charlie – I wonder if it’s because you blog about productivity…
@Tim Brownson – Clearly, I’ll have to stop recommending you as a life coach and just suggest that people gatecrash your parties.
@Marc – Great point about “this too shall pass”. It’s something I should try to remember more often!
@Patricia – I agree that “unique” is a far better word than “perfect”!
Patience! I decided long ago that this one word explains why I’m alive in this lifetime: so that my soul can learn patience.
This reminds me of how my dad can do construction projects and I can’t. I hate measuring three times and taking great care when lining up the saw so that the cut is straight. I’m a dive in a go type, which does not work for activities like construction which if you’re going to do it well you need to be near perfect with it…
I struggle with patience too! The “measure twice, cut once” rule is often a good one for any sort of practical project… alas, I have to admit I don’t always stick to it.