My Brother’s Keeper: A Journey into Healing
Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero. – Marc Brown
My brother, Eric, died on Sunday, October 9. At the age of 51, he was taken too soon, and without notice. After several days of planning, I traveled to California to celebrate his life and to say goodbye.
My brother’s death may not make sense, but his life certainly did. Eric was a kind, generous man. No matter the circumstance, he would always choose to see the good in everyone. And no matter what, he saw the world as a good place to be.
Just two years apart, my brother and I were close. He called me Mouse because I was frail as a baby. But I think the real reason Eric called me Mouse was to make sure I remembered he was the older brother.
I tried to keep our connection alive a little longer by sending him emails after his death. The emails told my brother what I was doing, thinking and feeling. The emails helped me express my grief during a painful time. I’m sharing these emails to remind the world that Eric lived here and his goodness will live forever.
From: Alex Blackwell [calexblackwell@aol.com]
To: Eric Blackwell [eblackwell96@gmail.com]
Sent: Thu, Oct 13, 2011 7:35 am
Subject: heading that way
Bro,
I’m heading to the airport soon. The flight is showing on-time so I should land at LAX by 1:45. Jenny will already be at the hotel. She and I are planning to have dinner tonight. It will good to have this brother-sister time. It’s been too long.
We’ll discuss if we want to come by and see you tomorrow. To be honest, I’m not sure what I will do.
I hope you are resting well. If I can do anything for you right now, just let me know.
Love,
Mouse
>>
From: Alex Blackwell [calexblackwell@aol.com]
To: Eric Blackwell [eblackwell96@gmail.com]
Sent: Thu, Oct 13, 2011 9:21 pm
Subject: dinner with Jenny
Eric,
Jenny and I had dinner together tonight. We found a quiet booth where we sat for over two hours. You were the topic of conversation.
Our sister told me she called you three times last week. Jenny said it took the third conversation before you opened up and were honest about your depression.
Why did you say things were okay when they weren’t? You didn’t have to hold it in like that. If I was too harsh when you were out for Caitlin’s graduation, I apologize. I only meant to open your eyes about the job change.
I’m so sorry the last few months were so difficult for you. I thought about you every day. Maybe things would be different if I wasn’t so stubborn with my tough love approach.
It’s late and my body thinks it’s even later so I’m going to bed, but I’ll see you tomorrow.
I’m so sorry Eric.
Love,
Mouse
>>
From: Alex Blackwell [calexblackwell@aol.com]
To: Eric Blackwell [eblackwell96@gmail.com]
Sent: Fri, Oct 14, 2011 4:28 pm
Subject: today’s visit
The drive was a quiet one. Dad, Brandon and I scheduled the appointment for 2 p.m. We left the hotel around 1:30. I wasn’t sure what LA traffic would be like at that time.
We took the 134 to North Hollywood. The crematorium was right where Google Maps said it would be. Dad was the last one to get out of the car. I walked to the entrance and waited for him has he shuffled across the parking lot.
The staff took us to a waiting room while they got you ready. Our father was nervous, but I sensed he needed to do this. He needed to see you one last time.
During the wait, Brandon kept checking on me and then Dad. You would be proud of your nephew. He asked how we were doing and reminded us that you would be happy to know we came to say goodbye.
After waiting a few minutes longer, a counselor escorted us to your room. He opened two French doors. You were waiting on the other side.
Dad let out a gasp; seeing you made it painfully real I suppose. The remorse in him leaked out like air from a flat tire. I motioned to Brandon to leave the room so Dad could have a few minutes with you. I left, too.
I hope peace found its way there.
When Dad finished, I returned to be with you. I stood over you and looked at your beautiful face. I saw the times when you knew exactly what to say. I saw the times when you told me you believed in me. You were always my biggest fan.
You breathed your spirit into me so often that it will always be part of me. No matter the size of the problem, your encouragement would shrink it down to nothing.
Looking at your face, I remember the little boy who lost his leg in that horrible accident. The image of the tractor running over you has haunted me for too long. An eight-year-old boy shouldn’t have to endure what you did; and a six-year-old boy shouldn’t have to witness it.
You did look beautiful. Your jet black hair was combed back just the way you like it. The grey in your stubble glistened like snow. Even in death, your handsomeness was obvious.
How did you do it Eric? How did you stay optimistic through everything that happened to you? What was your secret?
Can you talk to me one more time?
Mouse
>>
From: Alex Blackwell [calexblackwell@aol.com]
To: Eric Blackwell [eblackwell96@gmail.com]
Sent: Sat, Oct 15, 2011 10:20 pm
Subject: celebration
It was nice to see your house full of people who loved you. Your Celebration of Life had food, fellowship and plenty of affection. You would not have been disappointed.
I made it a point to introduce myself to as many people as I could. I wanted them to know I was your brother. In just about every face I met, I saw your reflection. I saw a smile followed by genuine warmth.
Once again, your spirit filled me.
I miss you so much.
>>
From: Alex Blackwell [calexblackwell@aol.com]
To: Eric Blackwell [eblackwell96@gmail.com]
Sent: Tues, Oct 18, 2011 8:51 pm
Subject: the journey home
Brother,
This is the hardest email to write because I know it will be the last one. I’ve been putting it off for a couple of days. I blamed the procrastination on being tired, but I know there was another reason.
The feeling surfaced on the way home. It was hard to focus during the flight. I couldn’t read, had no inspiration to write and even listening to music was a struggle. Depression wasn’t creating the blockage; guilt was.
I’ve always felt responsible for you. Witnessing your accident made me think, why not me? And because it wasn’t me, it has felt like I’ve owed a debt to someone or something; it has felt like I’ve been performing acts of penance since I was six years old.
I’m so tired.
Why was I able to return home on Sunday night? Why do I get to continue to live? Why do I deserve two legs?
These questions, and the inability to find the answers, have cost me. The price has been guilt and the guilt has kept me from allowing happiness to stay in my life for very long.
The flight home gave me time to think and to reflect on what your life meant to me. For so many years, I considered myself your keeper. I protected you from the bullies at school; I sent money when you needed it and I gave advice when requested.
I become so consumed with what I was doing for you that I forget what you were doing for me.
Seeing you on Friday made me think, once again, why not me?
But it has been me.
I’ve punished myself for your accident every day since it happened. I became obsessed with doing everything perfectly so the next accident could be avoided. It never occurred to me that you were trying to model your secret for staying positive every time we talked or were together.
Your secret was a simple one: Accept and forgive.
Eric, your spirit will continue to live in me. I promise to find the courage to begin a journey into healing. I promise to learn how to accept and forgive myself.
After all these years I thought I was your keeper.
Now it’s clear.
You have been my keeper all along.
Forever your Mouse,
Alex
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Alex Blackwell is the Founder of The BridgeMaker. His book, How to Love Consciously, is now available as a free download here. Join Alex and The BridgeMaker community on Facebook and don’t forget to get your free subscription to receive free updates and exclusive content.
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Comments
30 Responses to “My Brother’s Keeper: A Journey into Healing”
What do you think?
Dear Friends,
Thank you for the incredible support over the past week. Your thoughts, prayers and words have meant so much to me. Rather than leaving a comment for me, please send peace to Eric.
Love,
Alex
Oh, Alex. My condolences to you and your family at this time. Your love for your brother is palpable and reading your emails to him left me with a lump in my throat here at work.
I am sure your brother knew you loved him throughout your life together. And I’m confident he knows it now and is still with you. I hope you can find some peace in your grief.
Warm thoughts & love to you across the miles,
Lindsay
(((((Eric))))) Your brother is an amazing person, never met me but has healed many with his words including myself. At this point in time you are with God and getting used to life on the other side. May the warmth from all this love being sent to you reach you and encompass you in it’s glow allowing you contact from this Earth to where you are in Heaven. May God bless you and keep you. Praying for you and your brother and family during this time of sad change. Prayers and love to you Eric. God Bless You~
Beautiful. What a lovely tribute to your brother and the friendship the two of you shared. My sincerest condolences. May God bless you.
Prayers for you, your brother and family during this difficult time.
Alex for once in my whole life I don’t know what to say. Your complete and total honesty of feelings and communication is as rare as I have seen. You make me feel embarrassed to hold back my feelings as I do. And that’s the message that has hit me big; one day you might not be able to. Thank you Alex, honestly, thank you man. You’re a mouse with a heart of a lion. Rest well Eric, bless you, we all wish you well in your next journey.
Alex,
I love you. xo
This is beautiful, and I am so sad for your loss. Eric sounds extraordinary.
I send peace not only to Eric, but also to you, as you travel this new road toward healing old wounds.
Hi Alex,
I have no words that would be suitable however my thoughts are with you & your family. May your strength continue & I’m sure Eric will be guiding you through the rest of your Life ( and keeping an eye on you)
be good to yourself
David
Thank you Alex for sharing with us. Your emails to Eric where wonderful. I lost a sister 20 years ago,and a mother 3 years ago.
We always seem to beat ourselves up over regrets, but after doing some soul search myself, I realize that we learn by those regrets and our loved one is in a better place and would not want us carrying this kind of a burden.
Unconditional love is forgiving and that is what we have for those loved ones and they had for us.
Remember what they gave you in this life and the wonderful memories, isn’t that what you would want your loved ones to remember about you?
Again thank you for sharing and God will give you the strenght you need in this time of sorrow.
Blessing to you,
Debbie
Eric,
When you see Lisa you will become immediate friends. You both have so much in common, very generous, kind, saw the good in everything and loved living life. I prayer for eternal peace for you both and pray you will always feel the love a sister and a brother have for you. You are both missed with every breath we take. Hug my sister for me…:)
To Eric,
The description of you provided by Alex leaves me with a longing desire to meet you. I believe it would benefit my heart and soul. Your journey has led you to a brighter place and my prayer is for you to have found the path to peace as well. Also praying for strength for Alex and other loved ones during this time of brief separation.
Dear Alex, I am so so sorry for your loss. I am so sad to read this. It is very hard to lose a sibling but I can only imagine, I can’t fathom what you are going through. You don’t say why but I think I can gather what happened to Eric and I am indeed very sad for the grief you are going through. My thoughts, prayers, and best wishes to you, dear Alex. Stay strong and live out the good memories of the two of you and please don’t blame yourself.
Eric, you must be so proud to know your brother is a passionate lover of life and that he radiates love every single day. Alex, you inspire me to walk through my own heart-wrenching transition with dignity and with grace. God’s blessings to you both.
Love,
Beth/B Here Today
Alex, I pray for you and your family. Eric, enjoy heaven, say hi to my loved ones when ya see em. I know you will see to the peace of your family, its how you seemed to live. I am thankful your brother shared you with us. Thank you for setting an example that led to alex helping so many. Looking forward to meeting ya someday. God bless.
Tears are streaming as I read this post Alex. Words cannot express how deeply I am touched by everything you wrote. You have all been in my prayers since I heard of Eric’s death. Eric’s Light will continue to shine brightly in the hearts of all whose life he touched and continue to touch from the other side. I love you Alex. Lo
Hi Alex,
I am sorry for your loss. I can tell you and brother had much love for one another and I appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing that love here. This was very inspiring to me and I hope it offered you a chance to process this experience. I am all for celebrating life of those we love and remembering the good things.
Peace be with you Uncle Eric and Mr. Blackwell!
Love always,
Michelle Sierra
I felt when i went through the emails addressed to your brother. A true outpour of your feelings .
I do hope you would have the strength to overcome the loss
I don’t know where to start, Alex. I fumble for the right words that could catch all the beautiful things you’ve shared in here. I couldn’t find them. All I found were these beautiful thoughts I felt with my heart. Maybe God would let us keep these beautiful things within us… forever. I couldn’t think of anything else He’d do for those He loves,because God holds and keeps those whom He loves.
I have to say I admire your honesty and the window into your thoughts and feelings that you’ve allowed to transpire here in your emails to your brother. I’m not sure if you are aware or not. But, I too lost a brother back in July. I feel very guilty as you do for being the one who lived while I could have given him the gift of life had I chose to by giving him one of my kidneys. I was the sibling he was closest too. Yet, I took toradol and almost wound up on dialysis myself because of it. I was selfish and chose not to. Mainly because,well, my brother wasn’t compliant in anything he did to help his condition. He ate the things he wasn’t supposed to, continued to smoke, and yes even drank occasionally. I greedily held onto my kidney in the event that my kids or I should need the spare one as you can live off one as my mother has done for years. Here I thought I was the only one with these feelings. And yet, you so eloquently put them into words and it made me wish to do the same so that I could continue on my journey. I thought it was my job to lead my brother to God so that he might find eternal life and had tried numerous times to broach that subject with him. Little did I know that it was thru him and watching his suffering that I would find my own faith. I would like to share with you a song if I may called The Blessing by Mark Hargrave. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9a_KWpgX0E&feature=related) I hope it will help you as well. I understood all too well your own honesty for it mirrored quite closely what I had been holding onto. It’s thru your sharing of your story that maybe I can now let go and learn to forgive myself for being so…not ready for what happened.
Hi Alex,
My condolences to you once again my friend. During such time, it is very important to take our time to heal. Your post is very touchy. Thanks for sharing how you feel with you Alex. God bless you and your family
I’m so sorry to read about your loss. My deepest condolences. You’ve been brave in sharing your emails. I send you, your family and Eric much love and peace.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your willingness to be so open. It truly helps me to be more open when others are doing the same, so I greatly appreciate you writing this beautiful article. Thank you.
Alex,
This is your nephew Joshua. I’ve been searching and searching on the web to find some mention of Uncle Eric and to no avail. I ran across this website today and was pleased to have some insight to everything that occured. I loved Uncle Eric very much and agree that he was a kind man in a world full of unkind people. I remember when He and Uncle Branch flew me out to California after the issue that happened with my half-brother. He was very supportive and loved me in way that was different than what mom or dad could provide. I think of him daily and I miss him sorely. He was a good man, a respectable man and a man that I look up to. I thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and insights into this tragic situation. I will be in touch.
Joshua
Everything happens for a reason…sometimes we don’t understand why but Gods plan is always correct, if we truly believe. After about 16 years, I had been recently doing “Google” searches for Eric Blackwell. Why? I really don’t have an answer why I was moved to do that, but I have always had a connection with matters of the spiritual realm, especially when I meditate, pray, and listen. I met Eric at Lexi some 16 years ago when I worked there as a Telemarketer. He became my Mentor there and kinda took me under his wing after we got to know each other in a short time. His was the best and I was a young gun in the business with a natural talent for telemarketing. After he honed my skills and I became a Mentor myself to new recruits, I always attributed my success to Eric. He was larger than life to me with his movie star looks, commanding presence, big heart and smile. I molded my entire sales technique from what I learned from Eric. He told me that because I was a musician, I had a rythm to my sales “pitch” that was something that couldn’t be taught. He marveled at how I was a guy with no prior experience picked it up so fast and became a top telemarketer right out the gate. One day we made a gentlemens bet on who could close a sale the fastest from a cold call. He said he had never lost that bet until he met me! I told him that it was because of him that I was able to excel and we had so much respect for each other…as the years went by, the things he taught me are still with me today. What happened to him that caused him to leave us, I wonder? I will never forget the joke he told me one day about when he would be at the beach and come out of the water yelling “Shark!, Shark!,” and the looks he saw on peoples faces afterwards…he was just the coolest guy I ever met and to this day, I have never met anyone like him…sadly I wish I could have seen him after all these years but somehow I think he knows how I feel…RIP Eric Blackwell…MY HERO!
Dear Eric,
I’ve had the hardest time stopping the tears. I’m wishing it hadn’t been so long since we chatted.
You interviewed me, hired me, trained me, watched me grow & progress, allowed me to join you as a trainer, and most importantly befriended me.
You had an impact on me, Eric. I always had & always will have the utmost respect for you. I will remember you until the end of my days. Please hold a spot for me in the training department up there.
Nick DiBenedetto
Classroom Trainer
Lexi International, 1996-1997
Alex, I had not been able to cry since Eric died until I read your e-mails to him. They said so much that I wish I could have said to Eric. I laugh and cry when I think of him as a kid. I have often said he is the only person I could scream and laugh at at the same time. He was just so full of life. I remember the time ( I found out later) when he and some friends were at Va. Beach. He swam out into deep water, and then down the beach for about a block, and then came hopping out of the water yelling “Shark”. The mothers who actually threw they children out of the water onto the beach and life guards did not think it was funny..but most everyone else thought it inventive and delightful. Eric did such tricks I am sure to fend off pity. He did not want anyone to feel sorry for him, because he never felt sorry for himself. I wish I had a wand to wave over you and erase all the guilt and hurt you have felt over the years. Let it go, if you can. You didn’t cause his accident. He lost his leg for no cosmic reason but because sharp steel will cut flesh and bone every time. So don’t look for reason and feel no quilt. Life is unfair, sometimes, but Eric would not let unfairness spoil his time here on earth. We had a little thing at the Unitarian-Universalist Fellowship for Eric. It including dropping stones in water to send waves of love and compasion to Eric and his family. I told those in the congregation that I was sorry that they did not know Eric and that the world is a more desolate place without him.
Cheer up, son. The sun will come up tomorrow and the flowers will bloom again. Thanks for opening the flood gate and letting my tears come rushing out.
Good night. And you know you are never alone, I am always here. Love always.
dad
[...] of releasing those layers so that I may fully live life! This moment is truly all that I have: My Brother’s Keeper: A Journey Into Healing is a poignant, heartfelt, beauty filled affirmation that reminds me I have a choice: sterile, [...]
Eric-
I hate that you are gone and were apparently struggling. In my dark hour when I would wear combat boots to work after being out all night in Hollywood…with my broken heart always visible to the point of madness…you helped me keep my job, made me laugh enough to have another day and were just great. The last I knew you so many years ago you were getting married and were happy- I hope that you are happy once again and wish that I could have said thank you.
Oh,my, what an incredibly touching post. Your comments and those of your readers, including your dad, make me very emotional right now. I lost my younger brother many years ago at age 26. I suspect from one of your emails, that it was a similar death to Eric’s. If so, that is so difficult to reconcile. My thoughts and prayers as you and your family continue on the journey of grief and move toward healing and wholeness again.