Living with the Complicated Glass
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. – Reinhold Niebuhr
How to live 100 days without alcohol?
I don’t know the answer. I only made it to day 53.
The 53rd day was last Wednesday, June 25, the day after my father-in-law’s funeral. Mary Beth and I went to her father’s beach house to spend the day with her brothers and sisters before heading back to Kansas.
We wanted to use this day to begin healing. The beach has a distinct calmness about it. The repetitive sound of the waves brushing up on the shore before retreating back into the ocean is a reminder there is still some measure of certainty and predictability left in this world. While we can never be sure what each day may hold for us, we can be comforted by certain rules of Nature which will always remain true. It just happens another rule of Nature’s is one day we will all return to the sea. So, we gathered to comfort each other and to be comforted.
Late in the afternoon, and completely exhausted by the emotional and physically toil the last five days had on my mind, body and spirit, I craved a beer. A cooler was brought down a few hours earlier that further exacerbated my temptation.
The big blue box stared at me all day. I knew the moment it was placed in the sand that it would be only a matter of time before I would reach my hand down into the ice and find another kind of calmness; and comfort.
The first sip was better than I expected. The sensation from the alcohol seemed to overtake my body immediately. I become intoxicated, not by the effect from a couple gulps of beer, but by the freedom to be drinking again. I did not feel shame or guilt. There were no rationalizations or excuses. I was fully present in the moment and aware of my actions.
My father-in-law’s sudden death did not cause me to drink again – I made the deliberate and conscious choice to open the beer and end my 100 day journey.
There is a lot of gray between the black and white
At dinner that night, I opened a bottle of Pinot Noir and then searched my brother-in-law’s kitchen for a wineglass. Holding the glass before pouring the wine, it become clear how a glass of wine can be both a source of pleasure and a source of pain – depending on your point-of-view. Life can be complicated at times; my life has been complicated at times.
When I graduated from college and moved out of my parent’s house, I struggled with understanding how to establish, and respect, healthy boundaries. For me, it was often difficult knowing how much was too much compared to when I was practicing self deprivation and punishment. I lived in a black and white world for the first 21 years of my life. The world of gray was a surprise.
The presence of alcohol in my house was never a surprise. Bourbon was bought by the half-gallon and replenished every couple of days. Large, black plastic tumblers were used; I suppose to hide the color density of what was inside.
This was my normal and this is how I drank, too. When I met Mary Beth and began spending more and more time with her family, I soon learned my internal compass had to be recalibrated to a new normal. To be honest, I have spent the past 23 years recalibrating and I will be recalibrating for the next 45 years as well. Life is a process after all.
Living with alcohol somewhere in the gray
Shifting from the black to the white over the 53 days was challenging. However, I have discovered some important things about myself. The most significant thing I have discovered is I want to learn how to live with alcohol – somewhere in the gray:
• I feel better physically. I have more energy in the morning and I have even dropped a few pounds and at the same time, I miss having a beer at a ballgame or with my wife on Friday afternoons after work.
• Looking back over my past actions, it has become clear that drinking was becoming a dangerous habit. Every time we went out to dinner, I ordered a beer, or a glass of wine, or both. After Andrew’s baseball games, I would insist we eat at restaurants that served alcohol and at the same time, I want to learn how to drink appropriately. I want to learn how to have the occasional drink at the appropriate time and at the appropriate place.
• Several alcoholics can be found in my family tree. It may be in my genes, too, but so far I have escaped the disease. One could make the case since I didn’t last the full 100 days I’m only kidding myself or denying my own reality. Perhaps, and at the same time, I do believe I have control over my life without being handicapped by an addiction.
Drinking from the complicated glass
I placed the wineglass on my brother-in-law’s bar and filled it more than halfway with the Pinot Noir. I swirled the glass in a circular motion before bringing it to my lips. The current created by the movement made it appear as though the wine was about to head back to sea – just like the waves after landing on shore. I was afraid the wineglass was about to take me with it.
At that moment, I did feel shame. Not earlier on the beach while drinking my first beer in 53 days, but holding the second drink and knowing there would be a third before the night was over.
I realized there is a lot more I still need to learn about myself. I realized that rather than passing judgments, I need to learn how to forgive the sins of my mother and extend the same mercy and grace to myself. It’s not my fault my mother is an alcoholic. There’s a certain simplicity about forgiveness that can make things feel less complicated.
What happens in our past, when we are children, can indeed complicate our present; our here and now. It’s frustrating that while I enjoy the taste of a fine wine or a cold beer, there still has to be so much baggage associated with the pleasure. Why can’t I just be and enjoy? Why do I have to worry about the consequences or how I feel about myself for not making it to day 100?
The answers may live in the gray – the space that is neither right nor wrong, but just is for each one of us. My hope is the gray I am beginning to see is not being clouded by the black or is in danger of being swept away by the white.
More from The BridgeMaker
Alex Blackwell is the Founder of The BridgeMaker. His book, How to Love Consciously, is now available as a free download here. Join Alex and The BridgeMaker community on Facebook and don’t forget to get your free subscription to receive free updates and exclusive content.
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Comments
24 Responses to “Living with the Complicated Glass”
What do you think?
Alex,
I have battled an alcohol-fueled demon or two in my life as well, so your journey resonated with me, and my own solution seems similar to the gray area that you talked about.
I’ll skip the details (because it would take forever), but suffice it to say that I found myself at a very low point in my life (over 10 years ago), and alcohol had been a major factor in getting me there.
I had made the realization that the alcohol was a problem for me, yet for some reason I still had an untouched six-pack in my refrigerator. I REALLY wanted to drink one of those beers one day, and I was literally pacing up and down in my apartment, mentally wrestling with myself about whether or not to have a drink.
I realized in that moment that as long as I was AFRAID of the alcohol, that the alcohol controlled me, and that I would forever be an alcoholic if I allowed that to happen.
I opened the refrigerator and had a beer, and I’ve never been afraid of – or controlled by – alcohol since then.
I hope my story gives you some food for thought, Alex.
p.s. – For what it’s worth, I respect you just as much as I did before, and that’s quite a bit.
Congratulations about making it to day 53! You also need to celebrate your wins, even if it has been not easy so far and as you wonder if you can make it to day 100.
I believe a lot depends on your mind power, for the remaining days. It is good that you have noted that your intent is riddled with worry, frustration, guilt, shame, etc? These make important lessons to think about. No one can provide you with an answer. It is a personal journey, just like how I’m taking mine with my meditative practice.
I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that you can emerge a stronger person because of the insights you’ve gained!
Evelyn
@Aaron: Thanks so much for sharing your story. Yes, it does help and I feel the same way in that I would rather have control over alcohol than the other way around. My hope is I can arrive at the same place you are now.
@Evelyn: Yes, the glass is half full (pardon the pun) I suppose. Thank you for pointing out the positive in going 53 days. Your support is sincerely appreciated.
Hi Alex
It sounds like you made an intention to go without alcohol for 100 days and during this journey you learnt a lot about yourself and tweaked it accordingly. So I congratulate you!
When you set an intention it is different than setting a goal that must be sticked to no matter what. When you set an intention, God only knows where it will lead you and there is a strength and confidence in changing that intention accordingly.
It sounds like you achieved what you set out to do anyway as maybe the motivation behind the intention was to cultivate a healthier relationship with alcohol. I’d say you are achieving this.
In love, light and abundance x x x
I gave up alcohol for Lent a couple of years ago, and went back to drinking again afterwards. However, since that time, I’ve always been able to “take it or leave it”. I’ve very very rarely drunk to the (over) extent I did before then.
So I think your period of 53 days is more than enough to break out of that “all or nothing” mindset. Hopefully, you’ll find (like I do) that you can enjoy just the one drink, or not bother at all.
It’s a REALLY good feeling to be able to relax about alcohol. Good luck reaching that state.
@Lola: The intention piece is very helpful. That is how I feel Lola and how I intend to live – thanks so much for pointing this out.
@Ali: I love your term “relax about alcohol.” This fits. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It may sound trite, but I am experiencing the exact same journey with cigarettes. After almost thirty years of struggles, I have been smoke free for over six months. Every joy, sadness, celebration, or drama of my life I want to reach for the comfort of that cigarette. I know that I can’t smoke just one. If I smoke just one I will go back to a pack a day and I don’t want to be a slave to the habit.
I also have alcoholics in my family tree and I maintain a very healthy respect for alcohol. I use caution when enjoying alcohol because I know that my enjoyment could end up as addiction, just like the cigarettes.
Reading your blog helps. I know I am not alone. Best wishes to you and your family and thank you.
I believe will power and self control motivates a person to give up something bad and harmful to life……but how many has accomplished it remains a million dollar question.
I was happy to read that you have continued till day 53……….
Donot touch it again…..
@Mary: I understand what you mean about every joy, celebration, or drama – these are all times that are also difficult for me. Thank you for reading my blog Mary.
@Sangeeta: Even though many of us have failed before reaching the end, there is value in the effort for trying.
You have no reason whatsoever to have any shame, none!
53 days is brilliant and that’s what you should concentrate on. Learn (which is sounds like you have done) and move on with a big smile on your face determined that if you resolve to do something similar you’ll get to at least 54 days next time.
You sound chillingly similar to me. Over the last 3 years I’ve reduced my intake from daily to weekends and about half the amount when I do drink. So now it’s usually a beer, maybe two and a couple of glasses of wine. I’m comfortable with that and I’m not too concerned with what others think.
I used to drink predominantly to reduce my stress (it doesn’t I think we all know that) and to help me sleep (lol, it doesn’t do that either!). Now I sleep better largely due to meditation and I hardly ever get stressed.
Good for you for ‘fessing up as well, many wouldn’t have.
One more thing and this is important, or at least I think so.
I have been coaching for about 4 years now. I don’t know how many clients I’ve had but it’s more than 6 and less than 27,000 and if I’ve learned anything, it’s this. NOBODY has it ALL together. Lots of people think other people have it all going on, but trust me they don’t, NOBODY.
So you maybe would like more control over your alcohol consumption. Well for somebody else it may be drugs or their temper, or their gambling ,or their moods, or their inability to laugh more or have a better relationship with their spouse or 1,001 other things. Being human isn’t about being perfect.
I feel a blog post and link back to you coming on
@Tim: Amen, brother, Amen!
Alex,
You have proved to yourself and others that you have strength to hang on to what you believe in. You made it 53 days toward your goal. Everyone is struggling with something in their life that they wish they could change. Most of these struggles don’t have a complete, easy, black and white outcome. We each have our setbacks, relapses, and disappointments, the disappointment being mainly in ourselves We believe that we are weak and unable to overcome. We feel failure when we slip back a few steps, which tends to lead us completely in the wrong direction. We must believe in our strength, in ourselves, and also believe that what we are working on in the first place is totally worth the hard work and difficulty. So therefore, we must look back on that one small area of our setback, relapse, or disappointment, believe in ourself, and continue on towards our goal and we know that those who care and love us unconditionally are supporting us all the way, even through the valleys.
@Becky: Thank you for you kind words of encouragement and support. Your advice is very helpful. While grace is important to share, it’s just as important to give grace to ourselves from time-to-time.
Hi Alex,
i am with Becky- Put your right hand up in the air and pat yourself on th eback.
Celebrating the life of a loved one i know from experience does give one to rise a glass, unless you are totally puritanical.
I understand what you have been through- have been there, just this week i was asked to go dry for a month. I will support here. I have now learnt maybe like the French , a glass of red is good fo me and i love having a glass with dinner.
i think you have been amazing and i love your blog
Thanks for speaking out loud
Suzie
@Suzie: Thanks for your positive energy – I appreciate it more than you know!
Hi Alex,
Don’t beat yourself up mentally for not reaching 100 consecutive days without drinking. The death of one close to you is a very stressful event and life sometimes derails one’s best intentions of habit change. Reaching 53 days was a really good effort – and under different circumstances you may have reached the 100 days.
Focusing on the positives that you found during the 53 days would be a good starting point for how you approach drinking in the future. You just might surprise yourself the next time you go for 100 days free of drinking.
The baggage of childhood can be hard to leave behind. One can’t physically go back and change the past – one can only try to control how one does or doesn’t ruminate on the past. I’ve only really grasped this as I approach the big 4-0 and I still haven’t quite mastered it.
Hang in there because the time will come around again when you feel like challenging yourself for 100 days.
@Ben: You make a great point about our baggage from childhood. It can be difficult to leave it behind us; but when we do, we have the freedom to move forward and live the lives we have today.
Ahhhh finding the grey. That’s the hard part, isn’t it? I think for someone with the alcoholic gene, finding the grey (and STICKING WITH IT) is most challenging.
One thing I do Lindsay is I don’t drink during the work week, just on the weekends. This balance seems comfortable for me.
I am indeed inspired and invigorated by this the comments posted here. Too often one approaches goals with an “all or nothing attitude” and it invariably fails, and becomes “nothing”. We have to allow ourselves to be human, to have frailties and weaknesses, and to also congratulate ourselves on our successes, however minor– these should be recognized cummulatively. 53 days is considerably better than 0, so I commend you and recognize this as an accomplishment worth of emulating.
Kris, thank for helping see the complicated glass as being half full; not half empty. Blessings to you.
Hi Alex,
I posted my own struggle with alcohol on your blog around a year ago. I too didn’t make it to 100 days. I have struggled with feelings of shame and thinking myself a failure when going back to drinking. But here’s what I think now. Perhaps the notion that you are an alcoholic if you can’t say no is wrong. Perhaps the idea that one drink will set you back on a road to ruin is more harmful than good. Isn’t that just reinforcing the fact that you are unable to exercise self control. You made 50+ days without a drink and you beat it. That means you won and you can always win. Everyone who says no for just one day wins a small battle each and every day. There is no need for many people like you or I to stop completely…just control it. You and many others have proved it can be done. Thanks for the blog, it’s really helpful to see how others feel about this issue.
Cheers mate,(remember this is just an English way of saying..see ya!)
Clive
This blog has helped me alot. I was drinking every day to the point of passing out and not even knowing if I fought with my spouse, what time I went to bed or even if I ate dinner. I went about 25 days then drank then like another week then drank this pattern went on for awhile but the holidays got me. I drank 3 days in a row at thanksgiving then between thanksgiving and Christmas I drank like once a week typically fri night and drank Christmas and new years but now I am trying to get back on track and its been 5 days since jan 1. Im happy because atleast I know im not a alcoholic and after the initial 20 some days now the sober days are easy and pass a whole faster then the first ones. Thank you for the incentive