How to Stop a Bully
I had my bully, and it was excruciating. Not only the bully, but the intimidation I felt. – Robert Cormier
Recently my younger son has been the target of a bully. While coping with bullies has happened before with my other children, I was surprised it was happening to my son because he is a senior in high school. My belief, until now, was bullying was confined to the school playground.
In helping my son deal with his bully, it occurred to me that bullies are ageless and can be found anywhere. Bullies are in the workplace, in relationships and in our neighborhoods. Their methods may change, but their intent remains the same – to do hurtful things to their victims.
Dr. Dan Olweus of Norway, a pioneer in the field of bully prevention, defines bullying as, “When someone repeatedly and on purpose says or does mean things to another person who has a hard time defending herself or herself.” These hurtful things can take on many forms, including:
- Name calling and verbal harassment
- Leaving another person out of a group
- Physical bullying such as pushing, hitting or kicking
- Taking away money or damaging personal property
- Threatening or forcing another person to do things they don’t want to do
- Racial bullying
- Sexual bullying
- Cyber-bullying (text messaging or the Internet)
If it feels like someone is doing these things to you or to someone you love, then a bully may be in your life, too. However, you do have power and control in the situation by knowing what to do to put an end to the bullying.
Here are eight simple steps you can take right now to stop a bully:
- Take it seriously.
When a bully’s tactics cross the line, take the actions seriously. Typical warning signs include withdrawal, unexplained injuries, or becoming afraid to go to work or school. If the bullying is happening to someone close to you, address these signs with the person as soon as you notice them. If you are the victim, find someone to talk with about what is happening. Left ignored, the bullying will likely escalate. - Use your voice.
Workplace and schoolhouse bullies would prefer to keep their actions under the radar so they may continue. However, one of the most effective ways to stop bullying is to report the bully’s actions to others. Be specific so the person receiving the information understands what is occurring and its impact on you or the victim. - Don’t bully back.
This is a no-win deal. Often times, the bully is looking for an aggressive response so they can increase their bullying – perhaps with even more force and violence. As stated before, the best bet is to alert others to what is happening. - Provide consequences.
Adults who are being bullied can enforce some boundaries. For example, if you find yourself being bullied by a co-worker, or even a supervisor, tell the bully if the behavior doesn’t stop then you will report him or her to the human resources department. - Don’t take it personally.
What motivates a bully is usually an issue or a limitation the bully feels insecure with. Bullies target others to feel better about themselves. Even though being on the receiving-end of a bully’s wrath is unpleasant, as well as unsafe, remember it’s not about you; of anything you did wrong. When helping another person through their experience with a bully, remind them of their worth and value and to ignore the harsh name calling being fired at them. - Move past the shame.
Bullies will think they can continue the bullying because their victim may be too ashamed to say anything. When I was a child, the bullies taunted me about my speech impediment and the fact I had to wear eyeglasses – two things that brought me shame regardless if I was being bullied, or not. The bullying only exacerbated my shame. Now as an adult, I know the playground bullies from my past were motivated by their own shame. If you are a victim, understand the internalized guilt you feel belongs to the person bullying you. Give the shame back to the bully. When you do, you will begin to feel the power you do have. - Look for trends.
Bullies have patterns. At work, if you notice your boss is more aggressive just before an important meeting, then avoid these meetings, or least your interactions with your boss beforehand. If your child reports the bully is more hostile on the school bus, then consider alternative ways to get your child to school. Bullies adopt habits and trends. Becoming more aware of these trends, and then developing a plan to counter them, will put you in a better position to stop the bullying. - Use common sense when online.
Guard your passwords and the passwords of your children. Be discerning when considering if your elementary or middle school-aged child may create Facebook or email accounts. Limit social media friend requests and other contacts to only those people with whom you have positive relationship with offline. Watch the amount of time your child is spending online and monitor their emotions and behaviors afterwards.
Bullies can leave scars that last a lifetime. My goal is to keep my son safe and to provide the tools he needs. My hope is with the school year ending soon; the bullying will end with it. By helping him deal with his bully now, may prevent the scars he doesn’t deserve.
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Comments
15 Responses to “How to Stop a Bully”
What do you think?
Thank you for the advice, Alex. My eight year old daughter had an incident just this week but it started in the beginning of the school year. I was proud of her as she did inform the teacher and told the little girl to stop (she had to build her courage up all day). Something we worked on after the first incident occured. You are so right in that we deal with bullies even as adults. Thank you so much for the advice and the background of why bullies do what they do. More information to share with my daughter. Thank you!
@ Dornella: Glad to hear your daughter took a position of power in dealing with her bully. Hope things continue to go well.
Hi Alex, Thank You for bringing this to light. I remember being bullied by a young girl in Middle School. she was very spiteful. I used to get defensive (natural response). Nowadays, My thoughts are really what you said here which is “don’t take it personally.” I know it must be hard for you as a parent to see your son go through that. He is very lucky to have you because you are giving him insight and ultimately strength.
Thank You Alex
@ Therese: Thanks for the extra encouragement Therese – much appreciated!
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I never really understood bullying. Why would people want to hurt other people to feel better about themselves? I think your next article should be about how parents of bullies should deal with their kids (I predict a lot of people would be angry). I know school bullies have some deep-seethed problems at home which is why they do the things they do. These things usually start at home. And that means they have a problem too and those families need help and healing too.
And I agree, these things do not end in school. Often, there will be bullies in real life. It’s just a little different. And no they’re not the tough big boys who steals your lunch. But they could be people who usually sucks the confidence out of you. People who make you do their job. They could be your friends, it could be unintentional bullying. They may be subjecting you to peer pressure. They could be people who says you can’t do it. It could be your own mother! (I know my mother can be a bully sometimes)
Bullies are yellow dog cowards too chicken to fight an evenly matched battle. They need five big mean buddies to harass one single girl. It did me no good to complain to the principal about being threatened on the school bus, said it “wasn’t their problem because it was off school grounds.” Well, if I hadn’t had to go to their blasted school to begin with, I never would have been on that bus full of psychopaths! When I was forced out of school before I could get my dummy diploma, not one word of apology from that damned school (pardon my French, that word is in the Bible). One of these days those mean bullies will end up at the mother of all social gatherings, eternity in a devil’s hell! God said, what you reap you sow. Sow shame and hurt in somebody else’s life and that’s what the good Lord will reward you with. Read the Psalms and you’ll find out how dearly God loves the unrepentant man of violence.
thankyou for this article, 3 years ago my friend has been unintentionally bullying me even and a couple of days ago i told her but she walked away and it kept getting worse , so i talked to the administartors in my school and well now she’s not my friend anymore, i mean she was my best friend but i guess it was meant to happen
@ Wendy: I’m glad you used the resources available to you. Keep talking about it when it starts happening again.
i hate bullying
Me, too Maleasa. You okay?
Unfortunately, a lot of parents actually encourage their children to be bullies or make excuses for them. That’s when it becomes a big problem.
I’m getting bullied, she’s in one of my lessons, she’s taller than me, and is popular, I told my mum, but she doesn’t think it’s too serious. I havn’t told her properly, I told my sister, my sister told me to build up my courage…But, I’m scared, I’ve been getting bullied alot recently, by 2 different people. I reported one, of them. It wasn’t that serious. But recently, I was in a Lesson, and she threw a paper ball at me, and told me to pick it up, myself, by purpose. Everyone started to laugh at me. Please help me, I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, if I tell the teacher, she’ll bully me even more, as she is popular, I’m only 13 years of age, 14, in Feb. I’m scared, please help me D;
Emily,
Alex asked me to respond to your e-mail since I am a therapist and often work with girls your age dealing with this situation. First of all, no one deserves to be bullied and usually a bully is someone who lacks self confidence and will bully someone to make themselves feel stronger about themselves. I am so sorry you are having to go through this and I know it can be frustrating. I am glad you have told your mum and sister and they can be a good source of support for you. You might have to sit them down and let them know how hard this is for you and that the bullying is getting worse. You might also want to talk to a school counselor if you have one or if you don’t maybe a spiritual leader like a priest or pastor of your church. Getting an adult involved can help you feel that you are not alone in this situation and also give you someone to talk to. When my daughter who is 13 gets bullied, I often tell her to ignore the person and not react to there demands to see how far they will go. If you stand up to a bully, often times they will back down because like I said they are not that confident in themselves in the first place. But be smart if the bullying escalates to physical violence, be prepared to protect yourself which in most cases is just learning how to avoid getting hurt and not having to be physically aggressive yourself. I would also suggest you try to record her bullying on a cell phone or if she sends a threatening text or e-mail. Often these can be used if it is against school policy to bully and she will be disciplined. Hang in there and do not give up. This is a tough age, but it does get better. Keep talking to your support people and friends at school who often can help as well. My thoughts and prayers will be with you as you work through this difficult time.
Take care,
Mary Beth Blackwell, LSCSW, LCSW
Alex’s wife.
hi, well this girl physicaly attaced me today i was so scared to tell but my friends said it would be good to. so i reported her. And now the security gaurds and authorites are aware of this situatuation. I am stil scared to go to school but im glad I looked into this website.