How to Love Consciously
“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” Gilbert Chesterton
Knowing how someone wants to be loved and then providing that love are two separate things. Sometimes marriages and other relationships end because either one person does not understand how to meet the needs of the other; or one partner refuses to meet the needs of the other.
To love consciously is a choice. Mary Beth and I often say being married is very similar to having another full-time job – you get out of it what you put into it.
Our marriage is like a savings account. My wife and I make deposits into it never expecting we may need to make a withdrawal. However, when we do request a withdrawal there are no associated penalties.
Yes, we argue over the temperature in the car or who really forgot to feed the dog, but when it really matters; when it really counts, we make the consciousness choice to give each other the love that is requested and needed.
With over 23 years of marriage under our belts, we have found the following strategies work best to love intentionally; to love authentically and to love consciously.
Show Appreciation
A simple “thank you” in response to a trivial or ordinary item can make a significant difference. It only takes a few short moments to utter these two words, but the impact can be felt for a very long time.
Showing gratitude is also the best strategy for ensuring the things you are most grateful for continue to happen. When we stop and tell our partners what we are grateful for, we are also telling the Universe. By making the effort, the conscious decision, to express our thanks we are in a better position of receiving more of it in the future.
If you want your partner to be grateful, it starts by you showing gratitude, first.
Be Happy, Not Right
Here’s a question for you, “Would you rather be right, or happy?” Too often our pride and egos can keep us from enjoying intimate relationships. We stew over what we think are injustices, but are perhaps only misunderstandings.
We carry grudges and do not show enough grace, passion or forgiveness to the person we care most about. Our need to be right can overshadow our need to receive, and give, love.
Take a look at what your pride is costing you. If intimacy is strained and the relationship is off track you may want to reconsider the value of your anger or self righteousness. Here’s the thing: You may be right in the argument although you partner thinks otherwise, but you will never be wrong when you put your partner first. Happiness always feels better than vindication.
No Day But Today
What would you say to your partner if you knew this was the last day you would be together? Would you complain about the television being too loud, or would you remind your partner of their value and significance?
Life does have an expiration date. This isn’t meant to be a downer – just a reality we all share. It’s what you do with this information that will make the difference. While it’s very difficult to sustain a high-level of connection and passion on a day-to-day basis, there are some simple things you can do to convey your partner’s importance to let them know they are important today:
- Kiss your mate at least twice a day
- Leave a quick note just to say “hi,” or “I love you”
- Never do anything you wouldn’t want your partner to know
- Be fully present when they need to talk or share something important
- Make the effort to spend some time together each day
- Give a compliment
- Make your partner feel important
- Smile
No Judgments
Judgments are often times rooted in perception, not reality. Judgments are also a piece of how you see the world, not the way the world, or in this case your partner, actually exists.
The harm with judgments is resentment and anger are typically the outcomes – not the change that is expected. When a judgment is made, there is an implied belief the behavior or trait being judged should be corrected. However, the person receiving the judgment does not always share the same expectation.
As a result, communication is impaired, connection is deteriorated and conflict ensues. To love deliberately and consciously requires loving your partner with a different filter – a cleaner filter that does not have the residue of past containments.
Be Aware of Your Own Thoughts & Feelings
Loving authentically is dependent on loving yourself, first. Before you share love, and share yourself with someone, it is important to beware of what you want. Reality suggests, however, we fall in love and begin relationships before we have a clear idea of our own true feelings.
When this happens, there is still plenty of time to discover your needs – this is called growth. Give yourself opportunities outside of the relationship. Build friendships and pursue interests on your own.
A good relationship exists when both people can live without the other, but choose to be together. A relationship built on a foundation of sharing different interests cultivates more life and depth into it.
You own your thoughts and feelings. These make you unique and keep you grounded with who you really are or growing to become. By doing so, you are in a much better position to love freely and honestly. Nature has a way of taking care of those things we put the most energy in and want to grow even stronger.
Loving Consciously
The power of love extends its reach when we will love intentionally. Real love, authentic love, springs to life and is sustained when we make the choice to feed it with our deliberate passion. Our souls are nourished when our partners realize we know how to love them.
There will be a day when I no longer share this life with my wife. When that day arrives, my hope is she will know my intent was to discover exactly what she wanted and my conscious choice was to give her more of that.
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Comments
98 Responses to “How to Love Consciously”
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An excellent list of tips, Alex!!
Thank you. Loving consciously is very important.
Sucessfully loving another is sucessfully loving oneself!
Many more blessings to you and Mary Beth!
CG
sounds like you have to talk yourself into believing that you love this person. as soon as you make rules about what love is or what love in action is, it is no longer love. it is simply a ritual designed to avoid the pain of life itself. wake up and be free.
Thanks for sharing your point-of-view Greg. I don’t believe there are rules in my relationship, but rather choices we get to make along the way.
Ok. as long as your choices are just that “your choices” - not social expectations. for me, love is like the weather - it has to change to be - to much of anything - sun rain wind calm would just not cut it. if you can hate someone as much as you love them you most probably have it all, otherwise i would question the reason for my choices.
Alex,
I enjoyed your ideas on loving consciously in marriage and relationships. Love and respect for someone takes an honest, unselfish choice to nurture and bond which leads to communication, happiness and relational adequacy which surely improves a relationship. For my husband and I, some of your ideas are familiar. The others we could put into practice and improve the overall picture of our love for each other. Thanks for sharing.
Becky
sometimes though u just got a rotten apple and there is nothing u can do but try
http://www.santaletterz.com/
“Give a compliment”
I find that being honest and sharing your positive thoughts with your partner, is a great source of happiness for both of you…
Great post!
Beautiful sentiments, eloquently expressed. I’m especially fond of “Be Happy, Not Right”. So many times when working with couples I have to ask them, “Do you want to be married, or be right”? The section on judgments is also very important. So many times someone in a relationship acts on assumptions they make about the other person’s reasons or motivations that are completely wrong. Good communication is so important.
Thanks for a great article.
Not sure what GREG was talking about, but I love this post. I think it is an elegant way of looking at the whole thing called love.
All of this is very true. My wife and I try to practice many of these principles, except we like to scream and yell as they run their course.
Now that’s true love
I love the idea that we should be happy, and not right. In my family there were often times where my parents were arguing to be “right”. That obviously didn’t lead anywhere.
Thanks for this insightful post. Loving consciously is important for all of us.
Alex - Congrats on 23 years of successful marriage! I agree that marriage feels like another full-time job. It certainly takes work to have a successful relationship for the long-haul. You obviously know what it takes. Thanks for sharing so many great ideas!
Stumbled!
It is so true that simple thank yous go very far toward building continuous love and intimacy. It often seems people use better manners with complete strangers than with their own families! Striving to show how grateful we are for our family every day is a simple goal we all can achieve!
Homemaker Barbi (Danelle Ice)
Beautiful post Alex
You are the perfect author because you live what you write. As a single woman, I can appreciate that marriage is a full-time job and one that is an ongoing evolution for your both. It sure make difference when both peope are invested in the journey as you and Mary Beth are.
I loved your short list of ways to show up every day that says “I love you.”
Thanks Alex
Blessings,
Lorraine
I like the way you threaded the idea of loving as the way to live consciously through the post. Great inspiration.
Interestingly enough, I’ve been here before but rediscovered you just now through Stumble Upon.
Imagine a leaf
falling down onto your belly
as you lay naked on the sundeck
of a boat two thousand miles from shore.
It’s a perfect leaf
quite dry and green
and of course it scares you so
because of its impossibility
and your need to account for it.
What if you never do?
You keep it, the leaf
to show to others on the boat
but even though they understand
they find your wonder greater than theirs.
This reduction in feeling progresses.
Back on land you repeat your story
but even those who love you most
those you trust
do no more than ask a few logical questions
before moving on to other subjects.
Perhaps with a shake of the head
but more likely incomprehension.
Eventually
(because you have no way of classifying this event
or even understanding it)
the notion of what happened to you recedes
powerful still, but into a darker place
as though a room without light.
You cannot make sense of your leaf
and so you ignore it.
(Unless, of course, as though in equal and opposite reaction, it won’t allow itself to be ignored and instead demands your constant attention and, in doing so, diminishes all else. Then what you have is an obsession, which if viewed correctly can be the greatest of blessings and, of itself, a reason to live. As she has been since I met her.)
[...] to a Cause How to Love ConsciouslyBeing A Full-Time Parent Has More To Do With Sacrifice Than [...]
this is best activity
I am for you
Thank you for the wonderful wish. I wish my blog posts were this deep…
A very nice way to define love
Very nice article. Its very important to love a person consciously.
And give opportunities to yourself, your feelings, your work, your happiness.
Never ignore yourself, when your loving a person.
If you are happy, only then you can keep others happy.
Nice Article. Well done. Keep it up
i loved it. im single now but i do promise you that i will love Consciously and never forget a single word from this one. nice article and a great job
thanx for it
while reading your article i was amazed to see so much of what i have found to be true in a marriage of thirty years.. so many things i have told my wife how much i love her , how much i appriciate her. how much i want to listen to her thoughts and ideas and try to understand and try to give that which i want and be what i ask of her . i tell here all the often. but..the problem is she can’t hear me … she died ten years ago… there is a song titled “live like you were dieing.” and we are… thanks Bcingu
I love this!
You really know what you are talking about thanks for sharing.
This is very thoughtful. I have being struggling in my relationship so much that we go parallel ways. But thanks be to God for bringing people like you on earth.
I love your articles, please send me more. This is so brilliant so much that I wish each and every couple can go through article so that couples can understand each other better and learn to compromise in other situations
Keep it up
I’m in Lesotho
Fantastic article. Be ready for much appreciation by bloggers!!
Great insight–but I think Greg must have a large problem.
No problem - just not into pseudo claptrap. So I must write a love note when I know it’s not the way I feel at that moment?? This is the height of deceit.
Sometimes I want to write a note and say wash the dishes and clean the house - now if she does it … now that’s true love.
Wake up - be free
Well thought out and accurate piece of work.
Let’s hope that some of our more ridgid responders learn to cut loose that anchor that will not let them ever be free. The relationship with yourself is the key to all things you face in life. Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it.
thanks, Bob
As for Greg– how about write her a love note WHEN you happen to feel like so. You get what you give. I doubt I’d be as delighted to find a note barking at me to do the dishes as I would be to find a note saying that I’m an important person. I’d probably do the dishes anyway, just on a better mood.
While some of this sounded like directly out off some psychological manual that, in theory, works brilliantly but cannot be executed in real life, many parts in this stand very true.
Sometimes people just give more than they receive. Perhaps it’s all about learning to give and not expect to get anything in return, not even a simple thank you or a that was nice of you to do.
Love. Such a complicated thing.
Thanks - just what I needed to keep my perspective today!
Great article.
GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the great article. Love consciously and live intentionally. My intent is to find all that is beautiful and true about my wife. So it is more important to know how she engages her world and mine than to be sure she sees my point of view as the “right” point of view. I see life as a journey of discovery, and I think it is always better shared. What we work on is the right tools and skills of engagement with each other and the world around us.
If I were to design a very rudimentary robot type humanoid this is how I would instruct it to “love”.
This article is so bound up in ego the writer it would seem has no clue and no access to his emotions (unconscious mind). The conscious mind is controlled by the unconscious mind. When you “wake up” there in no barrier and no separation to what is conscious or unconscious - there is just you. So go ahead and write your stupid love notes and say thank you and make up a load of clap trap to control your wife/husband but know that this stupid game only serves those control freaks that are so scared to find out who they really are they have to control everyone else in case their world caves in.
WAKE UP BE FREE!!
Thanks for some wonderful insight into how one can keep their love/relationship vibrant, growing and fresh. I, too, am currently single but I also think that these tenets apply to any love relationship — with siblings, friends, parents, etc.
As for Greg — I hope you find some peace in this place you define as “who you really are”. Based upon your posts, I don’t think I personally would want to know who you “really” are if you can’t find a peaceful place in your heart to simply tell the person you claim to love that you love her. Very frightening, indeed!
Greg I see your point but at the same time if you don’t try you’ll leave them dry..and women definitely don’t want that Greg lol..I do suggest to always or at least most of the time look at the glass as half full..when my gf wakes up in the morning she might not look at her best as when she fixes up her hair and dresses up but I look at her beautiful eyes and its ALL GOOOOOD
you will never find true happiness until you have truly loved and you will never know how painful it is until you have failed to love.
As I read your page on loving and others’ comments I really pity America’s egotistical refusal to include all people in their sayings of ‘you SHOULD’. There are few comments that include homosexuality, fewer still for bisexuality, and I have NEVER seen a comment including the feelings of an asexualist, except on our own web page.
To help you understand: an asexual person generally has NO desire for sexual relations with anybody, though many do produce children, usually as a favor to their mate (we do marry, often as a favor or a show of gratitude). Asexuality is inborn, as is homosexuality or heterosexuality. We are as sure of our sexuality as you are of yours.
We love as deeply as you do. Love and sex are not the same thing.
its very nice
Love is a choice and it you have to make an effort to keep love a live and have open communication.
Love never comes easy because you are always learning about your partner changing and growing with them.
Great article about romance! We can use these helpful tips to strengthen our relationships.
Most thought provoking analysis of human Nature.Lovely.Keep it up. let us all wake up to true Love.
Lovely and frank. I like it . I am changing. Are You too ?
l want to what love is in all its values
this was really a good article, yes in our daily life we sometimes forget to give importance to lil things, but such lil things matters most in future up-liftments of our relationship
Thanks for a RARELY found, genuinely good article. Been married for 20 years, still learned ALOT from this! Live to give, always with your heart and a hand, and Love will fit like a glove.
I dont think it is so easy
umesh
Hi Gilbert,
Another view: what you are describing and sharing is all about successful relationships.
Love is not a thing, not a verb, not something we do. Love is an experience - like nature, compassion, grief, joy, and feeling happy - it comes and goes.
Love is infinate, like the air - not to be bartered or negotiated, just enjoyed in a mood of wonder.
good
It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don’t ever let go.So love conciously
http://www.iwebforums.org
Don’t forget to love that dog
love is not easy to come by. when u find it, don’t let it go please.
dont talk about it. do it.
Dear Alex
i simply love the post and not only tht i usually end up taking tips from your website… i had first learnt from one of your post that”one should choose between being right and happy”. That time i chose to be right and got my life partner now after i have him i have decided to be happy rather being right
hi
when i read this love history i felt bad
This is a really good piece i would like more of it. thanks
ohhh. we have been married 23 years too!
Many congrats, it gets better every year, no ? That’s if you are completely honest, real and vulnerable with each other. We have been thro’ rocky patch this last year, but God is faithful and is helping us thro’.
A gentle stroke on the cheek (or elsewhere-non sexual) tells your partner you are glad he/she is still close! It has worked for us for 52 years! It STILL WORKS!
I like this article. There’s a song with a title “Love Makes the World Go Round.” Give and take is one of the principles. It’s true, judgement has no place when people are in love. It’s a wonderful thing to be grateful for one another and have a habit of saying …”I love you…” always. Commitment is not easy but once love prevails, each one serve as an energy and “light” to strenghten and brighten his/her life every moment of the day. Thanks for sharing this to people.
I am happy to have stumbbled on this article at a time like this in my life it will go a long way at helping me biuld my relatioship and earn the kind of happiness that have eluded me thank you.
OOOOOOOOooooohh.. now i know
Thanks for this great article. I’ll add this to my favorites 
Excellent post Alex. Really, you have given us a GREAT article. People should read it to keep their relationship alive.
Thanks for Sharing these information with us.
WAT’S LOVE???? THOSE WHO DNT KNOW, CALL IT RESPONSIBILITY,THOSE WHO PLAY CALL IT A GAME,THOSE WHO DNT HAVE IT CALL IT A DREAM N THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND CALL IT LIFE!!!!THE VIRTUE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT FINDING THE PERFECT PERSON BUT LOVING THE IMPERFECT PERSON PERFECTLY……LOVE DOES NOT HAVE A HAPPY ENDING BCOZZZ IT SIMLY DOESN’T ENDS……..LOVE IS VRY BEAUTIFUL THING,FEEL IT.ALEX U SAID THE BEST N THE RIGHT THING…..!!!!!! ALISHA
nice
its better to b happy than b rite i love ur words if every one respects love than the earth becomes heaven
EXCELLENT RELATIONSHIP TOOLS, THROUGH THE “REAL” UPS & DOWNS WE ALL EXPERIENCE DAILY.
I enjoyed this article very much. It definitely gives a new perspective on the love in marriages.
As a Healer and Natural Health Practitioner, I wrote a recent article on the physical issues that can affect marriages or relationships.
These are the physical issues which can cause people’s perceptions (mental thoughts really) to to be directed to their partner.
I agree and love having gratitude for the gifts of one’s partner.
http://www.kroegerhealer.com/natural-healing-for-relationships-marriages.htm
If love is gone all these scheduled complements, ” thank you” notes, touching each other twice a day- won’r work. And if you love each other you don’t need all this BS. Unless you are a complete idiot and don’t know how to communicate with a person you love.
Tonya - Finally someone that can think for themselves. I couldn’t agree with you more! Love consciously what a joke. It’s like asking a centipede to walk consciously - the animal will not be able to move. Imagine - ok leg 1 forward - then leg two back - then leg three forward etc. This thing will tie itself in knots before it gets to ten let alone 100! Love is love and this stupid idea of writing little notes and saying things on a schedule has to be the biggest load of C*R* AP ever though up. Seriously if you have to write notes etc. to control “love” the other person, please jump of the nearest very high bridge and remove yourself from the gene pool before you pollute it any further. This author can only be described as a deluded control freak garnished with a liberal sprinkling of deceit. That however is not the problem - the fact that most people that have read this and think it’s just wonderful shows just how dumb the majority are and how easy it is plant idiotic ideas in ordinary people. Wake up - Be free!
Thanks for this very informative article! Being intimate with a significant other is not something most people learn growing up - it’s great to read articles like this to help us all!
This was a timely reminder for me not to take my marriage or partner for granted. Thank you!
This is especially great for people who have busy schedules and need a reminder of how lucky they are to have each other.
nice article help full
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My only comment is that I wonder just why Greg continues to return to this site/article and make his comments. It is just fine to have this point of view but Greg, let it go, be FREE.
Greg: (if you’re still there) I agree that some of this article (on third reading, + browsing rest of site) is a bit cheesy (corny, “cringe” we used to say) and some articles may be a bit contrived. Any relationship has its ups and downs, as do our feelings, moods and attitudes. However, I do believe love is a decision and we have to sacrifice our own comfort sometimes and seek the happiness of our partner above our own. The references to faith, the Higher Power and God here are somewhat vague and AA type, but I think Alex is trying to be all things to all spiritualities (like Steven Covey, did you know he’s a Mormon?)
Alex: I received some very offensive comments on a blog I used to write and decided to cut all comments. It is possible to do an “approve comment” system before they get published - that may mean lots more work for you, but check it out maybe!
Best wishes.
Tony
[http://www.photocards4all.com/images/fjord1_247.jpg]
it is just a matter of time and you nkow that she has been studying you
I am ready to do every thing
i want to get the right person.
i love your pics
OK!
my friend Tuan Nygen took that photo! it hope that was bought and not stolen or we will have a copyright issue on our hands!
Thanks for the article it is nice and very interesting well written.
I am 25 been in a relationship since 18 for 3 years she broke my heart and married with somebody else unexpectidly she came back after 4 years, she found out her hussie is not loving her any more with few kids he left her.
Yes she didn’t need to tell me how sorry she is but it was too late and i wasn’t alone as well, and didn’t want to break my girl friend’s heart and i turned my back and walked away coz all my feelings and and love were death coz she did broke my heart and hurted me big time and her love and my feelings were burried with all her gifts in the graveyard of her love for eva.
Verry Nice..
Thank You,
Biju Subhash
thanks for all
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Great article !!!! really taught me many things !!! I really love my precious Kainat shes the best !!!!!!
Many of the points in the article are usually overlooked in the desire to move forward or to succeed in this short life of ours!
you are wondarful…..
I Too Enjoyed this Synopsis of Expressing Feelings
I Believe He Feels in His Heart All the Words He
Expressed.YEAH! Most of You Can Express Feelings >
However Opening Up Your Heart? You Feel Funerable
Due to Your Past Experiences? REMEMBER! Other Peo-
ple Cannot Hurt You or I We Can Only Hurt Our-
selves.
WE Must Love Ourself 1st and Your Partner Too 1st
Two - Ones = Three [ You Me We ! Utopia
One Last Idea{difficult}Give-Up “EXPECTATIONS”..
Wishes God Bless Owen
This only works if both partners are willing to participate. After a one sided deposit takes place for a while, it gets old. If it were to be the last day of existance you feel things would be better. congrats to those of you that have wives or husbands that actualy care to try but for some of us it is just a matter of trying to keep it together until the kids grow up before the inevitable happens.
This is great, it turned me on :D!
It’s true that you should know what you exactly want and need before you start a relationship although it’s difficult because you only discover what you need when you are in a relationship.
Too many temptations yield you wanting to try new things even if you don’t need them.
Never have children unless you are sure about your other half or else you are going to spend the rest of your life unhappy.
Spice up your relationship by trying new things together. The less you drink, the happier you are………
More to come on: http://www.reda.ennair.com
God bless,
Mr R
Phew, how wonder we alway been love and to be love each others’
love is very importent for our brain because with love we can enjoy how beautiful this life when we were bored with our lesson in the school we will fresh again with love
nice… i like it very much….
Some points can be used towards other members beside your significant others, good thoughts good article.