Confessions from a Recovering Father
“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.” - Nadine Stair
I wish I could have a mulligan, a do-over, with being a father. I wish I could go back in time about 12 years and start again. I would have done it differently. I would have been a better father.
Last week was spring break for Kansas University. Caitlin, who will be nineteen-years-old in about a month, used her time off from class to accompany me to New York City. I attended meetings during the day, but my daughter and I were able to spend time together in the evening. It was a great six days. I hope Caitlin would agree.
When Caitlin was younger, my life was centered on my career and earning money. I didn’t want to be bothered with the details of everyday life such as helping with homework or being accessible to both love and discipline. I took good care of my family’s physical needs; just not the emotional ones.
My daughter quickly distanced herself from me. She craved my attention and wanted me to both love her and set boundaries and expectations for her. Caitlin had a simple and perfectly valid request – she wanted me to be an engaged and fully-present father.
When she was ten-years-old, Caitlin essentially washed her hands of me. She was tired of waiting and she was, I’m sure, tired of being disappointed.
The years which followed were strained and uneasy ones. She would only get but so close to me, before pulling away. Her trust was limited and very guarded. Time does heal most wounds, I would think, and given enough time she would come back to me.
Today, I have the benefit of looking at my past parenting mistakes through the lens of experience and humility. If I could convert the mulligan, if I were allowed to go against the rules and be allowed to take another shot, here’s how I would do it:
• I would stay at the dinner table 15 minutes longer and not feel compelled to rush to my office and dig into my work. I would use those 15 minutes to ask one additional question about her day, to provide the nurturing she wanted and to offer my help in any matter my daughter requested.
• I would insist my parents, her grandparents, treat her with equality and show her the same love and attention they showed my oldest child.
• I would set limits with Caitlin. I would remind her to watch her tone of voice with me and to show respect. I would clearly establish my authority as her father, but in a positive and healthy manner.
• I would volunteer to be her coach in soccer or softball. I would be the dad who would go from house-to-house collecting all of the other girls for practice and then go for pizza afterwards.
• I would sit next to her at night and review her homework. I would compliment the right answers and help her with the wrong ones.
• I would plan special times that only she and I would share. I would make myself available to show her that she was indeed just as special as the other children.
• I would tuck her into bed at night and help her dream and wish as we gazed up at the ceiling together. I would remind her to give thanks for the abundance in her life. I would kiss her good night and tell her how much I love her.
That was then. This is now.
Regret and shame keeps us stuck in the past. My time in New York with Caitlin was about moving forward; about how our relationship could improve and be defined using new terms and conditions. It provided a new start and hope for what might be next as Caitlin’s father.
The last night we were in New York, Caitlin and I shared a wonderful dinner together prior to seeing the Broadway musical A Spring Awakening. After the plates were cleared and as we were waiting for the check, I confessed to Caitlin that I do need to take full responsibility for the conflict and strain that existed in our relationship when she was a child and young teenager.
I made the commitment to continue to reach out to her and to make her a priority in my life. I confessed to her I was looking forward to our father-daughter relationship as adults.
She smiled and said she would like that very much. My daughter granted me a mulligan: a second chance.
March is a month for new beginnings and the promise of hope springing eternal. The flowers that once lay dormant under the cold, hard earth are now finding the courage and strength to re-establish their presence for the world to see.
I may have lost my daughter when she was a child. I refuse to lose her again.
- Living from the Heart
- Essential Things about Life My Children Have Taught Me
- Changed for Good
- Why Does the Thunder Hide the Rain?
- Living with the Complicated Glass
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38 Responses to “Confessions from a Recovering Father”
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Wow, Alex! Every parent should read this. I’m sure all of us can take heed and learn to appreciate every moment with our children/nieces or nephew. I can understand what you went through with my niece now.
Although one can’t turn back time, you can always make it up to your daughter now. Make the great cause in the present and you’ll definitely see the wonderful effect later.
I’m sure she’ll be so proud of you!
Cheers,
Ellesse
Thanks for the support and encouragement Ellesse. You are right, all we can effect is the present.
I am proud of you Alex, for at least acknowledging what needs to change, and what needs to give back, and also having the courage to tell it as it was.
How I wish my parents know their mistakes of not nurturing the relationship between us. I don’t hate them, but I do feel that at least they acknowledge their lack of actions in providing the love and concern they should give their children and not take things for granted.
Gamy
This was a moving and touching article, Alex. I think it is so humbling for each of us to realize our humanity and how many mistakes we can make on a daily basis.
Only you know how strained your relationship with Caitlin was, but it sounds like you are making up for lost time.
Just one point I’d like to emphasize now that I’ve gotten so old and wise. TeeHee! We all do the best we can with what we know, and we need to forgive ourselves for not knowing everything and being “perfect”. I’m certain you felt a natural ambition, coupled with a responsibility to provide a financially secure environment for your family, which motivated you to strive so much at your work. Be grateful you have learned more since then, but forgive yourself for the past.
Oh, and one other thing, I often joke that “demons take over the body of our children at 14 years of age” (now it starts earlier) and children test us continuously in their tortuous path to independence and adulthood. Fortunately, eventually they make the transition to adulthood, the demon leaves and you get to be friends. My best friends in the world are my husband and my three adult children, even though years ago I was certain I would kill one of them, or they would be the death of me.
Gamy,
For a such a long time I refused to forgive my parents. But now, I understand that forgiveness of them is really for me. This has been very freeing for me. Thank you for your caring support!
Alex
Brennan,
Thanks for your wisdom. Like you, I am really enjoying my adult relationships with my children.
Alex
Alex, this was such a sweet (if a little sad) article! As mommy to a fantastic toddler, this really gave me food for thought.
There has to be a balance. I have to say that I adore my work and career. It nurtures me, and if I didn’t allow for my career to do that, I’d have painfully little to give to my daughter, because I’d be miserable.
On the other hand, I think quality time outweighs the quantity. I make sure my daughter has my undivided attention every day, that she feels loved and heard and valued.
I’m sure that when she’s twelve or thirteen, I’ll realize that I did a bunch of stuff wrong. But in the moment, I think all parents do the very best we can. We’re never going to be perfect.
My parents were definitely not perfect! But I think they did the best they could. There comes a time where blaming our parents is just an easy way out of taking responsibility for the people we are choosing to be.
Finally - remember that the Souls of our children pick us. We pick our parents, not the other way around. Spiritually speaking, becoming a parent is the greatest leap of faith we can take.
Blessings,
Andrea
Very good for you, Alex. Continued blessings to you and all you hold dear,
CG
Many thanks Alex for this inspirational article. I am a father to 12, 10 and 7 year olds and I have recently been assessing my efforts so far. It’s not a good report card and for the vast majority of the reasons you nominated in your article. Having said that I’m not disconnected from my kids (yet) so the time for positive change is now. One thing I have done is to establish a weekday habit of sitting down to breakfast with my kids at a set time rather than all rushing around like mad things. It has mainly been around being more organised and calm in the morning but it has definitely opened the communication channels at a time of the day when everyone is fresh and generally in a good mood. That’s the time now when I talk to my kids about what’s going on in their worlds and where we can discuss issues as a family. It’s very special time. So much so that I have been rejecting any work requests for meetings etc that might require me to leave early in the morning and not eat breakfast together.
I value your other ideas and will be taking them on board too.
Thanks again
Simon
Andrea - Thanks for the reminder that the Souls of our children pick us. There is a reason Caitlin picked me. In time, I’m sure all of the reasons will be made clear to both of us.
CG - Thank you for your continued support!
Simon - It sounds like you are establishing a great rountine with your children. I admire your resolve to keep this time pure. There is no question your children appreciate this very much.
Beautiful article Alex,
While the past cannot be regained, the future you share as adults can be rich and full of love.
Blessings,
Lorraine
Thank you Lorraine - here’s to the future!
I’m sure it touched your daughter deeply when you expressed regret for the past, but hope for the future.
Hello Alex,
Thanks for sharing about what my husband often warns me about - the possibility of regret for not having spend time with my kids when they are young.
I’ve written about what I’ve been through as a mother who had chosen to give up her career to be home for her kids but yet was unhappy to have made that choice, on my last blog post http://www.attractionmindmap.com/the-gift-of-time-to-our-kids
Your post could not have come at a better time. I now commit to the choice I have made and have never felt so at peace, since. It’s lovely being able to enjoy myself fully when I’m with my kids.
With much thanks and appreciation,
Evelyn
Well Done Alex!
At least you recognise your shortcomings as a parent and are trying to do something about it. Some people will go through their entire lives and never think about this. You have from now to the rest of your life to make up for what you missed out on.
Craig
Thanks Craig - I’m looking forward to the years ahead with my daughter.
Oh Alex,
You made me cry….
You are blessed to have Caitlin and empowered now to completely appreciate that relationship.
Be Grateful for mulligans!
You made me cry too! But in a good way. I’m glad you’re getting that second chance.
And doesn’t every parent (or most parents) feel the same way, that there are things they wish they could go back and do better? My son is barely three and I already feel that way!
Thanks for contributing this post to this week’s Carnival of Family Life, hosted at Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul! The Carnival will be live on March 31, 2008, so make sure you stop by and check out all of the other wonderful posts included in this week’s edition!
JHS
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What an awesome post Alex. It reminds me very much of the struggles that dads (and moms) go through after a divorce. It is very difficult for the non-custodial parent to maintain the kind of positive relationship that the child really needs, and the result is much more than simply a physical distance. My wife and I (from my second marriage) waited 7 years to have kids, in part because of the desire on my part to do things differently this time around. I’m happy to say that I have learned from the past and created a different lifestyle that prioritizes my family first now. My relationship with my older daughter is also much improved, and I’m optimistic about the future. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and genuine in your thoughts, as well as sharing your experience! (by the way, coincidentally, I have a little girl on the way in June, and she will also be named Caitlin). Thanks again! -Jeremy @ Discovering Dad
Thank you for submitting your article to the Living by Design Blog Carnival, your post has been included in edition No.23.
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Thank you.
Alex what a wonderful post. My son’s father did the same with our son, he (the father) died 6 months later.
… not to mention myself, I should have been there more too.
Thank you for sharing.
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Dear Alex,
What a great article! It resonated with me. I’ve always been quite conscious of the role I wanted to play as a mother but lately I’ve been focusing more on myself and this article opened my eyes about a couple of important things I should be doing different right now.
My son keeps asking me to read him after he finally goes to bed, 1 hour later than he should, and by that time I’m quite tired and wishing to have my time for my own. I tell him, every night, that if he wants me to read to him, he has to go to bed earlier.
Thanks to your article I’ll sit down tonight and give him the attention he deserves.
Also, you have made me think of a good trick! I’ll sit down at his bed at 9, the time I wished he went to sleep, and I’ll start reading!!! Maybe that will attract him to bed…
Thanks a bunch!!!
Patricia
Just dropping by again to confirm that I did what I said I was going to do. And to see his happy face was fantastic.
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