Changed for Good
Not the day we expected
Last Saturday morning, June 21, was a beautiful morning in the Midwest. Mary Beth and I were enjoying the relaxed pace of the weekend over coffee and the morning news. Andrew was scheduled to play in a baseball tournament so we decided to go for a run before breakfast because we probably wouldn’t have time later in the day.
When we returned our son was in the kitchen watching SportsCenter. His baseball team had won the night before and Andrew played well. He was excited to resume play.
My wife went over to her computer to check email and I was watching last night’s baseball highlights on ESPN with Andrew as I sipped water trying to cool down from the run. Mary Beth’s cell phone rang. She walked across the kitchen to retrieve it from her purse and commented it was her mother calling.
Seconds into the call I knew it was the type of telephone call no one ever wants to receive. I placed the glass of water on the bar and walked over to where my wife was standing. At that moment, she let out a terribly anguished look and uttered the words, “Oh my God.”
She closed her cell phone and gripped the counter in front of the sink with both hands. Mary Beth managed to tell me her father had just died of a heart attack. She collapsed to her knees still holding on to the counter. I knelt down placing my hand on her back for additional support.
Andrew, still sitting on the couch, stared blankly at the television not knowing what to say or do. He just heard that his grandfather, his Pepaw, was dead.
Mary Beth slowly recovered. She stood up and said she needed to get back home, to Virginia, as quickly as possible.
Emily walked into the kitchen at this time and could sense it was not another Saturday morning. My wife put her arms around our daughter and pulled her close to her waist as she delivered the news.
Mary Beth asked me to look for an airline ticket while she grabbed a shower. Before heading into our bedroom, I heard her walk upstairs to Caitlin’s room. She opened the door to our older daughter’s bedroom. There was silence at first and then I could hear Caitlin cry out in shock and sadness upon hearing the unexpected news.
Southwest Airlines had a flight leaving Kansas City en route to Norfolk, Virginia in a couple of hours. I purchased the ticket and then walked back to my bedroom to cover the details of the flight with my wife.
When I was busy booking the flight, Mary Beth learned from her sister there would be a private viewing of their father on Sunday night. Their father, Joe, had made arrangements before his death not to be embalmed. He had also made the decision to be cremated. The family was intending to honor both requests. As a result, both the viewing and the funeral had to be accelerated.
As Mary Beth was finishing her shower and packing for the unexpected trip back home, I made arrangements to pick-up a rental van at the airport. We had recently down-sized my wife’s car so something larger would be needed for the overnight trip to Virginia for myself, Brandon, Caitlin, Emily, and Michelle, a friend of Caitlin’s who is staying with us this summer.
Andrew wanted to stay and play in the tournament. Mary Beth and I both agreed this would be best for our son. His baseball coach offered to let Andrew stay at his house and then he would take him to the airport on Sunday. Joe Russo loved baseball and was very proud of his grandson’s accomplishments. The game today was a game for Pepaw.
Mary Beth kissed her children goodbye as I placed her suitcase in the car. Brandon, our oldest child who lives in Lawrence, Kansas, would not be able to see his mother until Sunday afternoon.
After getting Mary Beth to her departure gate, I hurried over to the car rental center to pick-up the van and to leave my car in the airport’s long-term parking lot. I headed home to pack and get ready for the long trip home. Brandon had committed to getting to the house no later than 3:00 pm so we could start the 20-hour drive as soon as possible.
A little before three o’clock, Brandon, Caitlin, Emily, Michelle and I started the trip that would take us back to Mary Beth and to a grieving family in Virginia. Around 9:00 pm we stopped for a quick dinner somewhere in Indiana. After we ordered our food, I remembered Emily needed to take an antibiotic before each meal. Her medicine was in the rental van. As Emily and I were walking to the van, she grabbed my hand and said, “Daddy, this was not the day we were expecting this morning.”
I agreed with my daughter, “No, Baby, it is not.”
A life celebrated
We arrived at the funeral home in Virginia around 12:30 pm on Sunday. Mary Beth and her brothers and sisters, their mother, and Josie, Joe’s current wife, were sitting in the parlor.
We were greeted with warm hugs that lasted longer than usual. The family was busy making plans and discussing how the next couple of days would unfold. A viewing of their father’s body would be for immediate family only and would occur later in the afternoon. The funeral Mass would be on Tuesday.
After all of the arrangements were settled, I went with my family (sans Andrew – he would arrive on a flight later that night) to my mother-in-law’s house. After getting something to eat and taking a shower it was time to head back to the funeral home.
Mary Beth has told me several times over the past week that one of the most regrettable things that has come out of this tragedy is no one had a chance to say goodbye. Tonight would be an opportunity to do so.
I held my wife’s arm as we approach Joe’s casket. Three weeks ago Mary Beth was dancing with her father at her nephew’s wedding. There was no question she would have given anything to go back to that moment and re-live it all over again.
The small chapel was full of sons, daughters, granddaughters, grandsons, nieces, nephews and brothers and sisters. All came to say good bye.
Once everyone had an opportunity to have a quiet moment with Joe, the funeral director gave the family the chance to share a story about the man who touched so many lives. The stories all resonated with the same theme: A man with a seemingly gruff exterior who could not hide the compassionate and gracious heart we all knew lived inside until its last beat just 36 hours ago.
His sons and daughters shared stories, as did his first wife (Mary Beth’s mother), several nieces, nephews, grandchildren and finally his second wife, Josie, thanked everyone for coming.
The courage and grace Josie demonstrated throughout this time is living proof that some do have the natural and God-given ability to show strength and keep the faith no matter the obstacles. She soothed us. She comforted us. She just lost her husband and she was still there for us.
I did not share a story because I wanted the Russo family to take full advantage of the remaining time they had with their beloved Joe. If I had shared, I would have told the story about when Mary Beth and I were first married we had very little money. I was a teacher with a wife and a new-born son.
Joe allowed us to live with in his house until Brandon was three months old. After that, he would make sure we had diapers and other necessities for our son. My wife’s father would also invite us over for dinner every Sunday where he would slip me a $20 bill now and then and tell me to do something nice for my family.
I would tell my father-in-law I was not in a position to repay him anytime soon. He told me not to worry about it. Joe said they only repayment he expected was that I would do the same for my children some day.
I am Joe, I am.
Requiem
The hearse holding his coffin was parked outside the church when we arrived shortly before 5:30. This was the first time Andrew was close to his PePaw’s body. We walked inside the sanctuary to get final instructions from Father Michael and the funeral director.
Family and friends quickly filled the church. Soon all of the pews were full of people wanting to say farewell.
The organist starting playing as Brandon, Andrew and six other grandsons assembled at the end of the hearse. On cue, the coffin was rolled out. My sons each grabbed a handle and carried their grandfather up the steps. Later they said they were numb to the physical weight of the solid oak coffin, but fully aware of the emotional burden they were lifting.
The pallbearers stopped by the same baptismal font that was used for their grandfather’s baptism 77 years earlier. Caitlin and three other granddaughters covered Pepaw’s casket with the burial cloth. Emily was standing between Mary Beth and me as we watched our other children weep. It was fortunate we were not able to console them, because they each needed the time and space to grieve.
When the Mass ended, we followed Mary Beth’s father out of St. Paul’s church. As the doors to the church re-opened to the waiting hearse outside, my wife flinched back with the reality this would be the final goodbye. This would be the last moment between a daughter and her father.
Brandon, Andrew and the other grandson navigated the steep steps of the church and carefully placed their grandfather back into the car. Several people came to the back of the hearse to touch the casket or to give on last gentle and heartfelt kiss. Mary Beth shared her final words in a very private moment and then retreated back to where I was standing.
After Josie kissed her husband one last time, the back door to the hearse was closed. Mary Beth turned her head into my shoulder and gasped in pain with the final reconciliation that she had just seen her father for the last time on this earth.
Healing
The next day the brothers and sisters gathered on the beach in front of their father’s house. He moved to this beach house about 15 years ago and enjoyed its serenity. It was also the perfect setting for the healing phase to begin.
We sat in our beach chairs exchanging stories and offering one another comfort. The frantic activity of travelling, picking up family from the airport, making arrangements, and attending the funeral were all over now. It was time to begin living without our father in our lives.
No one was sure how to do this. The answers may be different for each one and still may be somewhere off in the distance. But time offers clarity and time offers hope.
I put Brandon on a plane back to Kansas City so he could return to work and to make room in the van for Mary Beth and Andrew. We left Virginia on Thursday morning. A piece of Mary Beth, however, will always remain there.
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Comments
29 Responses to “Changed for Good”
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Alex, Mary Beth and family, it broke my heart to read this sad but endearing story of the recent loss of your father Joe. Mary Beth, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time, as my sweet father-in-law recently passed away and we’re still trying to come to terms with it. I can only imagine what you must be going through right now, and I’m wishing for you the utmost peace and comfort from your husband and family. May God bless you and your family, and keep you strong during this time in your lives.
Oh Alex.. I am so sorry for your loss. Please convey my condolences to Mary Beth and her family. I know it too well how hurtful this event is but like you said to me when my dad passed away just three months ago, time does give us strength to bear it and it does become a bit easier.
Your mother-in-law’s strength and courage reminded me of my mom who was also giving us strength despite her own pain! it was amazing to watch that and I thought its a testament to our fathers in a way, and their goodness and support to our mothers. My prayers and thoughts are with your family.
warmest
Pearl
Alex & Mary Beth, I’m so sorry for your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. Alex, this very sad and moving story reminded me to celebrate the people that are with us in our lives while we can. Thank you for sharing it with us, and for remembering your father-in-law in such a beautiful way.
Blessings to you all,
Andrea
Alex & Mary Beth, I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost my mother in law a few years back and still miss her dearly. We keep her alive in our and our children’s memories by telling stories, mentioning her in our prayers and keeping pictures of her around the house. He sounds like an amazing man and my heart goes out to you as you cope and process him being gone. Part of him will always be with you and live on through your family. I wish you all the best and my thoughts are with you and your family. Love, Jenny
My condolences to you and Mary Beth. Tears rolled as I read this story. It was moving when you said “No one was sure how to do this”.
Your father-in-law was a gem, in taking care of you and your family. He sure sounded like an amazing man.
Hugs,
Evelyn
Mary Beth and Alex, my heart goes out to you too. Wish you all the blessings and love in the world.
Mary Beth and Alex, I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you find peace during this difficult time.
Sincere regards,
K.
Alex and Mary Beth,
I’m sorry to hear the news. Your post beautifully shows the love in the family and your father-in-law’s wonderful strengths and generosity. I’m sure he is happy and proud to be remembered this way.
Blessings,
Alex, thanks for sharing your grief with us in this beautiful story. My prayers go out to you and Mary Beth and your family. Allow yourselves to grieve. There is no time limit on the grief that we feel in losing a loved one. Remember the good times that you shared and hug each other lots.
Alex and Mary Beth,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. We never know when death will come, so treasuring the loving times amongst us all is the best we can do as human beings. It sounds to me as though you are doing that as a family. May healing come gently to you all.
Lexi
Hi Alex,
I wish your family all the best in this time of grief and healing. It is always difficult to deal with a loss of somebody who was loved so dearly and was such a strong presence in your life.
My prayers are with you and your family during this time.
Luke
Alex and Mary Beth,
I am so sorry for this tremendous loss and pain your family is dealing with in the unexpected death of Mary Beth’s father. Pain can be such an incredible thing to deal with but much easier when you know there are those who genuinely care and offer themselves to help in times like these. Whether through actions, words, or prayers, sympathy and love are being sent your way. I pray for love, faith, and strength to get you through these difficult days ahead.
Loving gently,
Becky
Delurking to say I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My sincere condolences to your family. May good memories buoy all of you in the weeks ahead.
I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face reading about a complete stranger who has recently and un-expectantly died. Why? Your writing, Alex.
Sometimes you are reading and you feel part of what you are reading. This is one of those times.
Sounds like Joe was a real character and It is great Andrew continue with his game.
My thoughts are with you and all your family.
Andrew
Alex and Mary Beth
My heart goes out to you and your family at this difficult time. I found the post very touching and beautiful to read and a good reminder for how precious our loved ones are.
In love, light and abundance x x x
Blessings to you, Mary Beth and Alex.
Relationships continue beyond our years together in physical form.
peace and love,
CG
My condolences to your family. For what it’s worth, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
A very moving and loving testimonial to a loved one who will continue to live in your hearts and minds.
My prayers to you and your family.
Alex,
My heartfelt condolences to you, Mary Beth and your family.
As you all move through your grief continue to embrace the gift of having this man and his love for his family in your lives.
Each time we lose a parent (or in-law) it changes us, it opens up
clarity in our lives we may not have seen before.
Your father-in-law’s life and death has and will always bring you
unexpected lessons and gifts.
He is now with you in a more spiritual way.
Blessings…
Louise
Alex and Mary Beth,
This is very sad news. My thoughts are with your family.
Just want to drop by to send my condolences to you and Mary Beth and your whole family. I can understand how Mary Beth feel. But I would like to also encourage her that time will certainly heal her pain.
Allow yourself to cry and even feel the pain, and not avoiding it. Once it is fully released, move on to the next step, and that is to put it behind with sweet memory.
Blessings,
Gamy
My heart goes out to you and your family. It is hard to be on the one left on this side when a loved one crosses to the other side.
My sincere condolences to your whole family, Alex, especially Mary Beth. I lost my much-beloved grandad when I was 18 and know this can be a heart-wrenching time for teenagers too — I hope your kids will soon be able to rejoice in happy, shared memories of good times, rather than thinking of the loss.
Like others who have commented here, I had tears in my eyes as I read your words. You write so vividly that I felt I was experiencing the events alongside you. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, and I hope that time will bring peace and healing.
With warmest thoughts for you and yours,
Ali
I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming reponses we have received due to the loss of my father. Each and every repsonse helps to make the grieving process a bit easier. I realize it will be a long road to healing when there is such a tragic loss, but having the love and support of so many people makes the journey better. Time is precious. Tell those who you love that you love them everyday for you never know when it will be the last time you do.
I am so sorry for your loss and pray that you may find peace and strength in this time. Your love for your father/father-in-law will keep him close to you always. I send my heart-felt thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Also, here is a poem that has been comforting to me in times like these. I hope it will ease the pain.
There Is No Death
– Author Unknown
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with each other.
Someone at my side says, “There, she’s gone.”
Gone from my sight that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar, as she was when she left my side, and she is just as able to bear her load of living weight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me not in her.
And just as the moment when someone at my side says, “There, she’s gone”, there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, “There, she comes”.
And that is dying.
~~God Bless You~~
Hi Alex & Mary Beth,
My heart is with you. I’ve lost my dearest big sister on 20th June too. It’s definitely depressing and totally heart wrenching to know someone you love is longer around. But always remember, physically they may not be around us but spiritually, they live in our hearts.
Forever.
Yours Sincerely,
Ellesse
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal as a tribute and a reminder. My parents are coming for a visit in couple of days, and after reading this, you can be sure I won’t waste a second of my time with them. Again, thank you and best wishes as you move forward, but not away.
Death seems to either brings out the best or the worst in people. I have seen it do both depending on the character and motives of the people and the depth of the relationships involved. Thank you for showing the good it can bring out.
I’m so sorry to hear the news of your loss. In sharing it here, it has given me a reminder that we never know when the end is for each of us. I will take extra time to enjoy the moments I have with my family and friends. Thank you for sharing this with us.