The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. - Gilbert Chesterton

How to Love Consciously explores the power and joy of love. It gives practical advice for improving relationships, inspiring romance and showing how love can continue to grow over a lifetime.

For most, love is the most important thing. Love allows us to connect and share. It provides the opportunity to touch the heart of someone very special. How to Love Consciously is a reminder of love’s grace and its goodness.

It is my privilege to give you the book at no charge. The reasons behind providing How to Love Consciously for free are simple ones: (1) I want you to read it; (2) I want you to be inspired by it; and (3) I want you to share it with anyone you think would be inspired by it, too. You may download the book right now by using the submission form at the bottom of this page.

How to Love Consciously provides eight straight-from-the-heart written chapters for creating lasting love in your life:

Chapter One: Loving Consciously

Real love, authentic love, springs to life and is sustained when we make the choice to feed it with our deliberate passion. Our souls are nourished when our partners realize we know how to love them.

Chapter Two: What Makes a Relationship Great?

Great relationships don’t just happen because two people love each other very much; great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, but they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time into the relationship – day after day.

Chapter Three: The Power of First Love

My first love taught me the lessons of passion and the power my actions can have on another. It taught me I was worthy to be loved unconditionally. My first love prepared me to be a better lover next time.

Chapter Four: Improving Intimacy

How often do you want to make love with your partner? How often does your partner want to make love? Many times the answers to both questions are not in sync. The best answer for your relationship may be found somewhere in between.

Chapter Five: One Dozen Out-of-the-Box Ideas to Inspire Romance

Mary Beth and I made a pact several years ago not to exchange token or cliché gifts on special days like birthdays, our wedding anniversary or Mother’s and Father’s Day. Instead we attempt to provide gifts that will touch the other’s heart and soul.

Chapter Six: How to Bring More Love into Your Life

Love can be the bridge that brings two people together, but the bridge looks different each day. Some days it is paved with passion and on other days it is filled with a simple, subtle knowing.

Chapter Seven: Can Love Last a Lifetime?

We revealed our souls to each other and no one blinked. Because of what we know, there is a trust that is just as strong as our love.

Chapter Eight: 100 Ways to Love

Finding simple, but heartfelt ways to love each other is a source of encouragement for the giver and the receiver. By loving consciously, we discover Love is the force that puts the world back together when it feels like it’s coming apart.

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We read to know we are not alone. – C.S. Lewis

This weekend marks the unofficial end of summer. Most schools will be back in session next week, vacations have been enjoyed and home project lists are growing. But, there is still this weekend.

If you are interested in spending your remaining summer days doing some reading, I invite you to grab your favorite beverage, nestle in a comfortable spot and consider this late-summer reading list.

The following articles are ones you may have missed. The first eight are the most popular articles over the last 12 months. The last two are my personal favorites. I hope you enjoy reading theses articles as much as I enjoyed writing them.

7 Simple Things to Do Everyday
Every day I attempt to go about my life with the best intentions. My goal is not to judge the bad days too harshly or the good days with too much jubilation, but to live somewhere in the middle. My middle is not filled with mediocrity or an area absent of passion; it’s simply a place of peace, knowing and balance. And part of living in the middle is doing seven simple things every day and then looking for the value in what happens next. [Read here]

22 Ways to Feel Alive Again
The following ways to feel alive again are ones that resonate with me and the results can be realized almost immediately. It is my hope I will begin learning to do more of these when I find myself feeling worn down and before my body meets the wall again. I hope you find some inspiration from this list, too. [Read here]

101 Ways to Love Each Other
By loving consciously, we discover love is the force that puts the world back together when it feels like it’s coming apart. It provides a sense of contentment and gratitude deep in our hearts and is the voice that tells us, “Everything will be okay.” Consider these ways to love each other and help create a world where beauty and grace can fill the hearts of everyone willing to give and then receive love’s gentle power. [Read here]

The Point of Being Human
Our lives will be measured by what we write on our hearts, not by what we write on our resumes. Our lives will be defined by the times when someone asked for our love and we gave it. Our lives will be shaped by the times when we asked for love and then received it. [Read here]

Finding the Beautiful You
Finding the beautiful you is not about finding perfection with how you look, but in accepting you are who you are for a reason. Perfection is not required, only joy in celebrating your special brand of compassion, talent and beauty. [Read here]

The Best Things in Life
The best things in life aren’t the things we have, but rather who we get to share these things with. The best things in my life were sitting with me on Thanksgiving Day. With my family, everything else is all the sweeter. [Read here]

Color My World with Change
The time between when we begin to feel the need for change and until the time we are ready to share our growth with the world may be cold and harsh. But our faith tells us that everything does have a season. Our bright colors that once announced our desire to change may soon fade when the reality of what we have to do in order to experience that change is understood. [Read here]

Isn’t Life Beautiful?
After showering and dressing for work, I walk back into the bedroom to wake my wife. For a brief moment, I get to see her see like no one else does. And in that moment, my wife is simply beautiful. [Read here]

Don’t Give Up on You
When you feel like giving up remember this one, simple truth: You are loved. Believe in this truth and use this certainty to rely on your faith and allow it to hold you together. [Read here]

Tracing Life Every Other Wednesday
My truth tells me that it’s not how I see myself when I feel covered in shame; my truth is how God sees me. My truth is what God says is the truth for me.Tracing life every other Wednesday is taking me to closer to this truth and to a place where redemption can live forever. [Read here]

The BridgeMaker is two-years-old!

The BridgeMaker turns two-years-old this week. What started as a kitchen-table hobby has grown into a passion. I sincerely appreciate you, the readers, for your support, encouragement and kind words along the way.

There have been many times when I considered quitting only finding an email the next day from a reader telling me how an article helped. You have made a difference in my life – thank you!

I will see you back here next year with another collection of posts to celebrate the blog’s three-year anniversary. Until then, it’s my honor to share the journey with you. – Alex

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese Proverb

The temptation to quit is strongest the day before you realize your heart’s desire. The enemy of your soul waits patiently and then whispers the words he knows will persuade you to give up:

You don’t deserve it. You can’t possibly achieve it. So, why bother?

.
You listen. Nod in agreement and then raise the white flag to signal defeat. This is when the disappointment strikes you. The sudden blow takes your breath away. You fall to your knees trying to recover. The enemy of your soul gloats for a moment and then leaves you in your frustration.

The noise of the white flag flapping in the wind is one of the loneliest sounds you will ever hear.

That was then. This is now.

It doesn’t matter how many times you have given up; what matters is how you will respond the next time doubt surfaces. And what matters most is learning how to take down the white flag for good.

There have been plenty of times when I raised the white flag. The enemy of my soul has taken advantage of my fear and exposed my doubt more than once. I wish I didn’t quit the high school baseball team; I wish I didn’t give up on going to medical school and I wish I didn’t stop writing the book that I know is inside of me.

But that was then. This is now.

You do have the power to take down the white flag. The following are choices you can make whenever the enemy of your soul begins whispering its lie:

1. You are stronger than you think. Anything worth having is worth fighting for – no matter how long it takes. Know you do have the strength, the resolve, to confront any challenge and to learn from the setbacks you encounter along the way.

2. Anything is possible. Why not you and why not now? When an idea is placed in your mind, it is put there for good reason. Honor it. Pursue it. Recognize you have been charged with the responsibility of seeing the idea come to life. When you do, the impossible will be made possible.

3. Understand your limits. You can only do so much in a day, week, month or year. Realize there’s no stopwatch on you. Your time and attention will be diverted to other responsibilities. They do not go away simply because you are pursuing a new dream. Understand in your humanness you do have limits. Rather than being discouraged by these limits, celebrate them. These limits are reminders of the rich, full life you already have.

4. Ask for help. You are not alone. When doubt begins to takeover, turn to family, friends and other confidants to receive the support you need. I have never witnessed someone not receiving help when it is requested.

5. Make a difference. The achievement of your dream will make a difference. Use this fact as motivation when the whispering grows louder. Your purpose, your mission, is uniquely yours. You were created to make a difference like no else can.

6. You deserve happiness. If pursuing your dream, and then achieving it, brings you happiness, then know this: You deserve to be happy. No one is doling out happiness – it’s available for all.

7. Just a heartbeat away. Your arrival to the place you want to be is just a heartbeat away. You will know you are getting closer when the urge to quit becomes glaringly tempting. Push back with your newfound power. Claim what belongs to you and honor it by never turning away again.

8. One step everyday. Rather than measuring where you think you should be, measure where you once were compared to where you are today. Realize that getting to your dream is about taking one step each day. The steps don’t have to be measured in feet or yards; inches will do.

9. Ignore negative talk. Not everyone will be an encourager. When you come across these people, understand their negative comments define who they are; their comments don’t define who you are.

10. Be the inspiration. You touch people in ways you may never know. Your positive attitude, your relentless pursuit of a dream and your ability to ignore the malicious whispering and focus on the goal at hand is admirable. People are watching you. They are inspired by your extraordinary actions even if you consider them to be ordinary.

The next time the enemy of your soul whispers the lie, stay strong in your faith. Practice replacing the lie with the truth. The truth speaks the words to persuade you to never give up:

You are worthy to receive your heart’s desire. You can achieve it. Go be the person you were created to be. Take down the white flag. Raise hope for all to see. Listen to your new flag flapping in the wind and be nourished by its sound.

Energy and persistence conquer all things. – Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin, scientist, inventor and a principal architect of the United States Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, may have been the first self improvement expert, too.

In 1726, a young 20-year-old Franklin was crossing the Atlantic from England back to Philadelphia. During his 80-day journey, Benjamin Franklin used the time to develop a personal plan of conduct. His plan consisted of 13 virtues listed below.

Franklin committed to focusing on one virtue per week. At the end of the 13th week, he would start the process over again; thus, cycling through the plan four times a year. Ben Franklin followed this plan until his death at age 79. He found comfort and happiness in each of the virtues and used these to guide his entire life.

Benjamin Franklin’s 13 Virtues

Franklin tracked his progress on charts he created (image right). The first letter of each day was listed on the top and the first letter of each virtue was indicated down the left side. He would add a dot if he felt he fell short of meeting that virtue on a given day. Benjamin Franklin carried these charts with him as a reminder of his personal plan of conduct.

The following 13 virtues continue to be relevant today. Next to each virtue is Franklin’s definition. Underneath is my current self-critique. You are welcome to do your own analysis as you read:

1. Temperance (“Eat not to dullness and drink not to elevation.”)
My self-critique: My diet is the best it’s been in years. Donuts and French Fries are still a problem though. I have adopted the new habit of not drinking alcohol during the week, but I still have my share of beer and wine on the weekends.

2. Silence (“Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.”)
My self-critique: My goal is to limit the gossip and think before speaking, especially in contentious situations. One area I need to silence is speaking critically of others.

3. Order (“Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.”)
My self-critique: I like order. There’s something about structure and routine that comforts me. However, my penchant for order can stifle the need for “thinking outside the box.” Creativity and being challenged to take a new approach needs its time, too.

4. Resolution (“Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.”)
My self-critique: I take commitments and goals seriously. But there are times I ignore what my inner voice is telling me to do. Fear of change can dilute my determination to keep moving forward. Sometimes it’s just more comfortable to stay right where I am – this is when I abandon my resolve.

5. Frugality (“Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e. Waste nothing.”)
My self-critique: The past few months have been budget busters. Mary Beth and I agree we need to turn the spending habits into saving ones and learn new ways to be frugal.

6. Industry (“Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.”)
My self-critique: Checking email, Facebook and pointlessly surfing the Internet are my biggest time-wasters. I need to use this time more productively.

7. Sincerity (“Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly.”)
My self-critique: This is my big win. While there is always room for improvement, I make the conscious choice everyday to be sincere, heartfelt and transparent as possible. But sometimes I confuse sincerity with kindness. Too often, I say what I think wants to be heard, rather than what I really think.

8. Justice (“Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.”)
My self-critique: There are times when I purposely hold back and not give what someone has asked to receive, or deserves to receive. I need to provide equal justice more often.

9. Moderation (“Avoid extremes. Forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.”)
My self-critique: I can get caught up in the moment and stop listening to my good sense. I do this with work, my blog, exercise and the nights I enjoy a glass of wine, or two.

10. Cleanliness (“Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation.”)
My self-critique: I’m good here, I think. I shower and brush my teeth (twice) everyday. Mary Beth has appointed me the official vacuum cleaning person at home. In full disclosure, I do have the habit of leaving my shaven hair in the bathroom sink.

11. Chastity (“Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; Never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.”)
My self-critique: I would never do anything that would disrespect my wife – period.

12. Tranquility (“Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.”)
My self-critique: Writing brings me the most tranquility. At night, I plug into some music and allow the words to flow. When there is conflict at home or work, my anxiety soars and my tranquility plummets. I need to learn how to keep my balance better during these times.

13. Humility (“Imitate Jesus and Socrates.”)
My self-critique: I try. My heart is open to everyone and I attempt to live the examined life.

Accepting the 13-Week Self Improvement Challenge

So, it looks like I have some work to do.

Beginning today, I’m keeping a virtue chart. Tackling Temperance first, I will monitor my weekly progress. Using a tool Franklin didn’t have in the 18th century, I will provide my updates on The BridgeMaker page on Facebook.

For me, this challenge isn’t about trying to master each virtue perfectly; it’s about acknowledging the areas in my life that could use some improving right now.

I invite you to take the 13-week challenge with me. Here’s how:

• Download the Benjamin Franklin 13-Week Self Improvement Challenge chart (updated for the 21st century).
• Go to The BridgeMaker page on Facebook and “Like” the page if you are not already a community member. This is where I will post my updates.
• Read these weekly virtue updates on Saturdays – probably in the morning (U.S. Central time zone).
• Post a comment to share your progress with the challenge.

If you need some one-on-one encouragement during the challenge, contact me at alex@thebridgemaker.com and I will be happy to support you.

History tells us Benjamin Franklin died a happy man. I’m sure his life’s accomplishments contributed to his happiness, but I think staying centered on the things that matter most helped Mr. Franklin too.

Best wishes with your personal development challenge. We’ll check in with one another next Saturday.

Everybody can be great because anybody can serve. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’ve been in a funk lately.

The past few months have been challenging. At home, my effort has been on preparing Andrew for college while making sure Emily has what she needs for middle school. Work has been equally demanding. Meetings, deadlines and projects seem to be relentless with their demands of me.

These responsibilities, and my commitment to them, have felt unfair. It feels like I’m giving to everyone but not receiving equal compensation in return. Sensing my frustration, Mary Beth went online and bought The Go-Giver for me. My wife heard about the book from a client and thought it would be the perfect medicine for me.

She was right.

Going beyond business

The Go-Giver by Bob Burg and John David Mann is written from a business perspective but has considerable wisdom about how we should embrace the other parts of our life, too. For me, the book provided more insights about how to face my personal issues than my business ones.

Written more like a parable than a self-help book, The Go-Giver tells the story of a young financier, Joe, who is also in a funk as the book begins. Facing the end of another disappointing sales quarter, Joe turns to the wisdom of the office sage, Gus.

Gus offers to connect the young man with a high-power consultant who Joe believes will help him achieve his third-quarter goals. It turns out the consultant, Pindar, helps Joe with something more important than securing a profitable quarter; he helps him with securing a future with an unlimited potential for happiness.

Pindar agrees to mentor Joe for one week as long as he agrees to one condition: To practice what he learns. Through practice, habits are created. Joe accepts the condition and the Laws of Stratospheric Success are presented to him.

The Five Laws of Stratospheric Success

The book progresses through the five laws with a different teacher for Joe each day. The five laws are timeless in their meaning and profound in their importance. These laws are helping me out of my funk and are showing me a life of sustained abundance can indeed exist.

Like Joe, I’m also committed to the one condition of practicing these laws, not because Pindar is making me accountable, but because I want the truth behind each law to become a habit, too:

The Law of Value

Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment.

Each day my goal is to exceed the expectations of others. As the Law of Value states, my true worth isn’t determined by what I get back, it’s determined by how I choose to make a positive difference in the lives of the people around me. When I focus on providing value, and not on what I’m getting, then my self-worth will grow exponentially.

How I’m practicing The Law of Value: I look for simple, obvious ways to add value. I try to give my children what they need; plus a little more; I give Mary Beth the space to build a life she can call her own; and I attempt to give myself a dose of self-love when I feel the doubt begin to swell. By doing these things, my return will be measured in a currency more precious than money.

The Law of Compensation

Your income is determined by how many people you serve and how well you serve them.

Lately I’ve been throwing a pity party for one. Feeling frustrated about not getting back what I thought I deserved, the Law of Compensation tells me I have it wrong. Life isn’t about requiring a quid pro quo system; it’s about giving for the sake of giving. When my focus is on how well I can serve, then abundance will find me.

How I’m practicing The Law of Compensation: I’m throwing away the scorecards and my expectations. In their place, I’m seeking new ways to impact as many people as possible. I’m offering free coaching sessions for people who need some encouragement and I’m helping folks who would like to start or grow their own blog. My intent is to expand my world and then offer my best talents to whoever asks.

The Law of Influence

Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interest first.

Being a parent is helping me create new habits around the Law of Influence faster than the other four laws. The most important action I take as a parent is to put the needs of my children before my own. Focusing on their needs has enabled me to become a significant influence in their lives; as a result, I better understand the power of this law.

How I’m practicing The Law of Influence: I’m attempting to understand, first, before trying to be understood. I will ask one question more than, “how are you doing?” and then I will wait to hear the answer. Growing my influence, however, will be secondary to meeting others wherever they happen to be and then attempting to give them what they need.

The Law of Authenticity

The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself.

Most people have keen radar that can detect when someone is being authentic, or not. When I stay true to who I am, then I’m better able to give others what they need because they are more willing to receive what I have are to offer.

How I’m practicing The Law of Authenticity: No matter the temptation to become someone I am not, my goal is to honor my true nature. I’m not a man full of bravado or someone who is comfortable being the center of attention, but I am a man who has a sensitive intuition and can tell when people are struggling. One benefit of approaching my 50s is I’m seeing the real Alex a little clearer each day and I like what I see. I’m also learning others like what they see, too.

The Law of Receptivity

The key to effective giving is to stay open to receiving.

This law is my biggest nemesis.

I’ve spent the majority of my life thinking I’m not worthy to receive my heart’s desire. As a child, I thought not getting what I wanted was punishment for not being enough for my mother. No matter how hard I tried to be a good boy, she would choose the bottle over me. This left me feeling that if I wasn’t worthy to receive a mother’s love, then I wasn’t worthy to receive anything at all.

How I’m practicing The Law of Receptivity: Shifting my focus from feeling unworthy and to accepting good things is my greatest challenge. However, The Law of Receptivity is teaching me that receiving is the natural result of giving. In an ironic, but pleasant twist, the key to effective giving is to also be open to receiving. So, since I want to be a good giver, I’m now more motivated to become a good receiver.

My heart is opening wider each day to take in the love, kindness and abundance it deserves. When these things come my way, I’m learning not to duck, but to breathe them in and allow their spirit to fill me with the encouragement to keep giving. This back-and-forth of giving and then receiving is creating an intoxicating happiness.

By the end of The Go-Giver, Joe is finding a better place; a place where his dream of stratospheric success is coming true. Like Joe, I’m also finding this better place. For me, it’s a place of stratospheric contentment. It’s a place where I know good things will find me; choose me, because of what I’m willing to give.

My funk is lifting. And in its place a comforting peace is falling.

Resources

• Download a free, beautifully-designed flier of The Five Laws of Stratospheric Success
• Get a free chapter from The Go-Giver
• Buy the book, The Go-Giver
• Contact me for a free 30-minute coaching session or to receive content for your blog or website.
• Please share in Comments below the habits you are creating to become a better giver, and receiver.