If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of potential, for eye the which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. – Soren Kierkegarrd
Lately it’s been difficult seeing Your plan for me. There are days when I’m convinced I know where You are steering me, but on other days, I’m not sure. Maybe this back and forth is part of our arrangement; part of the process, You are taking me through.
My years are growing fewer and I really thought my life would be fully realized by now. The waiting is my anguish; the unknown destination weighs on me constantly. It’s not that I know who I will become or what I will do, it’s just that I have the feeling You are not finished with me yet.
You show me glimpses of what’s ahead and then the awareness is replaced with more of the familiar. More self-doubt and more uncertainty of how to approach the choices placed in front of me.
It is me? You have filled me with an awareness of my potential. You do help me to understand that I am capable of providing compassion, inspiration, leadership and love. All are wonderful gifts to share, so why do I feel empty at times?
Why does my confidence diminish when I think I have found my voice, my role, only for it to be replaced with a new wrinkle or disappointment? How do I embrace the fire You have placed in my soul and allow it to burn so hot, so bright, that its energy can’t be missed? How can I live the life intended just for me and not feel I keep falling just short?
I do hear You whispering some of the answers to me. You have given me a heart that beats with passion and is resilient to the setbacks as they occur. This heart is not afraid to keep moving forward; to keep hope alive in spite of the circumstances it faces. You have given me a faith that feels as though it will never be exhausted.
You have given me a beautiful family that continues to impress me with the unconditional love it is capable of showing one another. Our transgressions are properly acknowledged, and then grace and mercy is allowed to fill the gaps between the pain and disappointments. The good times are celebrated with authentic joyfulness. Together, we overcome.
Maybe what I have is what I have. Maybe this is my life and You are disappointed because I want more. Maybe the gifts You have given me are pleasing You and fulfilling my life’s purpose at the same time. If this is true, I pray You remove this anxiety and replace it with peace.
I will continue to hope and dream. As a man, I will continue to want to do more for my family. I will continue to take care of myself and have desires. The hunger I feel could be the thing You have given me so I will never become complacent. My desires could be Your plan and not the achievement of any one thing, but the achievement of many things over the course of my life.
God, continue to show me how to trade self-doubt for confidence. Give me the words I need when my children depend on me and when my wife needs the support she deserves. Allow my voice to grow stronger with those who sometimes don’t hear what I have to say or appreciate my contributions.
On the day you call me home, my hope is I won’t look back with regret, but with the understanding I did live the life You intended for me. I’m trying to see, and appreciate, that life. I’m just asking for a little help right now.
For now, I will continue to hold on to my faith and realize all that I am is Yours.