The Two Things We Want Most
Life can be very complex at times. Working on our relationships, raising children, building careers, and exploring personal growth opportunities all require time and effort – no question. As complex as these things are, take comfort in the fact that the reasons we work so hard may not be complicated at all.
It has been suggested by psychologists that what people want in life is to experience pleasure and to avoid pain. As a result of spending a lifetime paying attention to what people are saying and feeling, as well becoming more aware of what motivates and drives me; I would suggest the psychologists are wrong. From these experiences, it is clear to me that what we really want boils down to happiness, and purpose.
Think about it for a moment. Whether it’s having a loving marriage, a successful career, or enjoying more time with our children, the bottom line results we are seeking are to be happy and to find purpose and meaning in our lives.
Happiness
We all want to be happy. Not happy in a constantly blissful or euphoric sense, but in a fundamental and visceral one. It is not realistic to think we can be happy, or emotionally “high,” all of the time. After all, we get flat tires, receive poor service in restaurants, and have to pay our bills.
Stuff does happen in life which may not always make us feel happy, but the goal is to learn to be happy in spite of the annoyances and set-backs we encounter.
Happiness is the product of the day-in and day-out grind and still finding a place of contentment and peace in spite of what life throws at us. Happiness is to experience joy and take comfort in the fact we are living fully and without regret.
Happiness is to take advantage of the time we have on this earth by getting the most out of it. Happiness is going to bed tired knowing we didn’t leave anything on the field.
Happiness is also a choice. We can allow events to derail what we want, or we can choose to fight, persevere and win. When we listen to our guts - to our inner wisdom, we can hear what we really want. Then, we must choose how to respond.
Purpose
If happiness causes us to go to bed tired because of the effort we just gave to the day, purpose gets us back up in the morning.
Purpose is the fuel in our tanks that keeps us moving forward. As humans, we all want to know that our time in this world has made a difference and our life had a purpose.
I don’t need to look very far to see an example of the desire to have purpose in life. Brandon, my oldest child, graduates college in May with a degree in social work. There’s no question my son could have selected any major, but he selected this one because the most important thing to Brandon is to make a difference with his life.
He believes being a social worker is the best way to fulfill his purpose. What impresses me the most is the motivation behind this decision was not the analysis of his potential career earnings, but the analysis of living his life on purpose.
The expression, “living on purpose.” suggests we need to invest our time and resources in those activities that are best aligned with fulfilling our life’s purpose. Each day we need to inspect our words and actions to be certain they are supporting our core values and purpose. When we live on purpose, we can better enjoy and celebrate the passion and energy we have for our lives.
Still looking for your life’s purpose? Here’s one way you can find it. Take a sheet of paper and begin to write down all of the things you are passionate about. This is your list, so don’t cheat yourself. Be real and be honest with yourself, and just let it go.
Write down any dreams you have had in the past or any of your current dreams. The one that jumps off the page and smacks you right between the eyes and makes you begin to cry is your purpose.
Honor this one and respect it. And if you give it permission, it will change your life and bring the happiness you deserve.
Surviving the Ice Storm
Kansas City was spared from a devastating ice storm yesterday. Our friends in Oklahoma were not as lucky.
Mary Beth and I made all of the necessary preparations. We checked the batteries in the flashlights, made sure we had plenty of bottled water and canned food, and made certain our gas fireplace was working.
The storm hit us with a glancing, but substantial blow and we are still standing. We are still functioning because we didn’t lose our power.
Throughout the night I fought sleep because I wanted to hear the storm as it approached; I didn’t want it to surprise me. Laying in the darkness with the warmth of my wife next to me, my mind raced back to all of those times in my life when I had to survive similar storms. Not storms created by nature, but storms created by my reality.
Images of Thanksgivings when my mother was incapable of preparing our family dinner because of alcohol or depression, or both; images of the dog chasing my brother into the tractor that took his leg; images of the other boys taunting me and bullying me into the point of submission resonated in my mind as I heard the ice begin to pelt the window.
Regret or pity did not occur to me. Instead, I felt an incredible amount of resolve and success to be where I am today. Those storms damaged by self-confidence and limited the value of my self-worth, but they didn’t take my soul and they didn’t claim my heart.
I have learned I can’t control the actions or judgments of others. Parents will choose to drink; accidents will happen; and some children will not have the emotional maturity to know, or care, what they are doing.
There once was a time when I would give my power away to these circumstances and people by trying to make them stop, or trying to make them like me, or to love me in a healthy way, but not today. Holding on to my power has made all of the difference.
An important lesson learned from the previous storms is we get to choose if we want to relinquish our power or not. As children this decision is not always available to us, but as adults we can decide if we want our baggage and self-limiting beliefs to keep us from enduring, surviving, and most importantly, living the life we want to live.
Just as I made sure the flashlight was working last night, over the past few years I have been making similar preparations by checking my own batteries to be certain they would have the juice to sustain me and continue to guide me out of the darkness.
I prepare by asking for help when I don’t know the answer. I prepare by deciding the type of person and man I want to be. I prepare by holding on to my power and only sharing it with people who I decide can receive it from me.
The irony with ice storms is they appear to make the world look beautiful and majestic, but underneath the ice is hardship and pain. Ice storms fool us into believing what we are seeing is innocent and tranquil. We buy-in to their illusion and then we are forced to live in their reality.
Folks in Oklahoma understand this all too well, and so do many of us. The repair crews will be out soon to restore the power for those who lost it. Life will resume and the ice will eventually melt.
It is winter in the Midwest. The next storm will be here soon. When it comes, we can make the choice to be prepared. Even though we can’t control loosing our electrical power; we can choose to make the fireplace ready and have a flashlight nearby. This will remind us to hold on to the power we can control; that we can survive; and we know how to live after the storm passes. I am ready for the next ice storm.
The Purpose of Pain
Emotional pain, like physical pain, can tell you something. Although not pleasant and very uncomfortable to endure, the pain you have suffered in your life can create tremendous value and purpose if you allow it to do so.
Last Friday night Mary Beth and I were driving home from a rare dinner alone. The topic of our parents came up. We both struggle with certain aspects of how we were raised as children. My wife and I are still healing some wounds that were inflicted many years ago.
The purpose of today’s post is not to bash my parents. I strongly believe that my parents, and my wife’s parents, did not consciously or deliberately set out to cause either one of us pain. But our reality suggests that the adults we are today, for better or for worse, is a product of the pain we experienced as children.
During the drive home from the restaurant, I wondered if my life would be different, perhaps a little better, if my parents had provided a more nurturing and structured environment. Mary Beth quickly reminded me that it is because I didn’t have the financial resources or the guidance to guide me into making appropriate choices that has ultimately led me to my success.
Simply put, it is because I had to rely on my own tenacity; I had to develop a strict work ethic; and I had develop personal accountability and a set of goals to motivate and inspire me are the reasons I have what I have today and I am who I am today.
I’m far from perfect, but I do know how to survive and keep moving forward in life in spite of the obstacles, and pain, I encounter.
Pain is a compass
Pain can serve as a compass to point us in new directions and new opportunities. Typically, we tend to avoid a circumstance, a person, or a type of a person, if it has caused us pain in the past.
Making these adjustments contributes to our personal development and growth and helps to develop new-found confidence when the adjustments we make lead to better, less painful, and more gratifying results.
Pain shapes our character
Living in a house with an alcoholic parent forced me to learn to adapt. I had to learn, from an early age, to set my expectations low but to place my ambitions high. My purpose became to survive and to create a life that would break the cycle for my children.
Sometimes in life it’s not what happens to you that define your character, it’s how you respond to what happens to you that define your character.
Our darkest days create our most courageous moments
Just as there are not accidents without value, the pain we feel can pave the way to developing a more courageous and confident spirit. When we get hit, really hard, and fall to our knees in despair, but somehow summon the strength to rise and face the challenge again, we become smarter and we become stronger for the next round.
I’m a big fan of the movie Rocky. In the final scene, Rocky and Apollo Creed come out of their corners and touch gloves for the 15th and final round of the fight.
Creed glares at Rocky and says, “You’re going down.”
Rocky looks backs at Creed and simply states, “No, no way.”
After enduring 14 rounds of punishment and pain, Rocky was determined not to give up. For him, victory meant to be standing when the final bell rang. He knew he would not win the fight with Creed, but he was really fighting a completely different fight - he was fighting the demons in his mind that kept telling him he was just a bum.
He used his pain, both past and present, as a compass to motivate him and provide the confidence he needed to endure the last round. He ended the fight still on his feet.
The purpose of pain is to remind us we are alive. If we will allow it, pain can provide the foundation to live a life of courage and determination. The memories of pain, and knowing we can survive, will help keep us on our feet, too.
